Among Other Things

Star Dreck: How do you love the unloveable?

2009-09-28T10:54:45Z

Finally, FINALLY I have a copy of the new Trek movie. I'm 50% through right now, Vulcan just imploded and I am having to pause for a while so I thought I'd write some of my observations down so that I don't forget anything to complain about.

Because BOY am I going to complain.

It should be noted that I am late as hell to the party, so I'm watching this with very few surprises - I know what happens (thank you, internets) in a general way, and maybe without that tension the movie just doesn't zing for me the way it should, or could. However. I am firmly of the opinion that a GOOD movie stands up to repeat viewing, and a little foreknowledge usually (if the movie is of sufficient calibre) merely serves to whet my appetite, rather than turning me off altogether.

This is not the case currently. Some things that I can't seem to let go of:

1. Where is Sam? George Samuel Kirk, Jim Kirk's elder brother? Does he exist? If not, why not? If so, WTF happened to him? Why wasn't he on the...whatever the ship was that blew up in the beginning?

2. Spock's mother is WAY. TOO. YOUNG.

3. Sarek is...how can I put this? ICK. No points there. In fact, minus fifty points. I miss Mark Lenard *sigh*

4. Thus far, the only character who is remotely in character is McCoy. Which is fortunate, because if they'd screwed McCoy up I wouldn't have been able to watch this far. Plus a hundred points for preserving my favourite character intact.

5. Wonder of wonders, I actually like Uhura; I think she'd probably be badass in every incarnation. And the Spock/Uhura thing isn't *so* bad - I'm still not seeing it, to be honest, but at this point, the whole thing is so bland that anything which hints at plot development is a plus. Another ten points.

6. There have been numerous WTF moments. Such as: Kirk's magical promotion, the hyposprays (it was funny, but in a wince-laugh kind of way - i.e. STUPID), sneaking Kirk aboard (seriously, the HELL?), the stupid Vulcan chamber of horrors, Nero (EVERY. FUCKING. SCENE. What kind of villain is this guy anyway? He's so goddamn ... LAME. And what is with the tattoos?). Amanda's death. I mean, please. Suspension of disbelief, I do not have it. Oh yeah, and RED MATTER? That's the best they could come up with?! The whole thing reads like a badly-thought-out fanfic >.<

Thus far, I am disappointed. The story is such that it COULD have flown if it had some grace, some gravitas, but dude, this is just a bad action flick. And I say that as someone who actually (usually) likes bad action flicks. Nu!McCoy makes up for it somewhat; I swear, in that first scene it was just like hearing DeForest Kelley's voice o_O And he's got the hissing-angry-voice down too. Kudos to Urban for a great performance. The rest of them...well, I reserve judgement until I've seen the whole thing, but..goddamn. If Trek had to be cool again, couldn't it be because of a movie that actually deserved it?

ADDENDUM 1:

OK, so the scene with Nimoy was actually kind of awesome, and for a while there I thought it would pick up. However:

7. McCoy would NOT have stood for Kirk being marooned on wherever that was. No. Not possible. Nor would he have stood by and watched Spock attack him on the bridge later. DID YOU PEOPLE EVEN WATCH TOS AT ALL?!

8. Why does "emotionally compromised" sound weirdly like rape? Also, why so specific? I mean, they could just have said "compromised" and had the same essential effect, aside from the fact that Vulcans were involved so they had to...oh nevermind, it just struck me as Unnecessary Dumbing Down of the Emotional Undercurrents that are supposed to be, you know, subtle. My kingdom for some INTELLIGENCE *sigh*

9. Minus another 100 points for Sarek. Yes, I'm shallow that way.

10. The lens flare is beginning to piss. me. off.

11. Any scene with Nimoy in it is awesome. This is an irrefutable fact. He and Pine seemed to gel well - it was the only time where I could actually see him as a young Kirk, though -_-

12. Scotty. Is. Incredible.

13. Earth is completely undefended, whut?

14. Vulcan ships are WEIRD.

15. I will give whatshisface credit for that "fascinating," because that was well done.

16. This Kirk is a bit of a moron, really. I mean, he has his moments, but it trades way too much on his (undeserved) reputation as a womanizer and brawler. Again: did ANY of the writers actually watch the original series? The movies, even? That is NOT the essence of Kirk's character.

OK, so it was redeemed somewhat by the second half. And Nimoy's voice-over part at the end literally gave me chills. Oh, and the original SFX were a nice touch.

However.

God, I want to love it, but I just...it's just...

It makes my inner Trekkie cry, and not in a good way *sigh* I think I might just have to go watch some of TOS to get the bad taste out of my mouth. Maybe I'll be better able to articulate my distress then.

"An interesting game, this poker." (ST:TOS recap 2.2)

2009-08-10T23:37:28Z

Same warnings as before. Also, I realize I don't stick precisely to the order in which things actually happen, on occasion. It's called creative license - deal with it ;)

#3: The Corbomite Maneuver

ON THE BRIDGE

SPOCK: *popping up from his console like a demented jack-in-the-box* This one is bigger and shinier, captain.

VIEWSCREEN: *Really!Shiny Sphere of Lightbulbs and Death*

KIRK: Slow down and prepare for evasive action!

ENTERPRISE: *spasms*

CREW: *throw themselves around the ship*

SPOCK: It's a tractor beam!

KIRK: Engines stop. Phasers at the ready.

REALLY!SHINY SPHERE OF LIGHTBUBS AND DEATH: *grows bigger*

BRIDGE CREW: *concern*

REALLY!SHINY SPHERE OF LIGHTBULBS AND DEATH: *continues to grow bigger*

ENTERPRISE: *is dwarfed*

REALLY!SHINY SPHERE OF LIGHTBULBS AND DEATH: *fills the screen*

KIRK: How big is it?

SPOCK: It's over 9000, captain!

[Bailey is pwned again, and Uhura repeats her line for the second time. You know, just in case it will be effective this time. At last, something happens.]

BAILEY: ZOMG! A message.

BALOK: Dude, you can't bullshit me with all your 'we come in peace' crap. You destroyed our buoy. We're, like, totally at war now.

KIRK: WTF? Ship to ship.

UHURA: Hailing frequencies open, sir. (3)

KIRK: You started this! It's totally not our fault!

SPOCK: Captain! We're being invaded by extremely strong sensor probes, from all directions!

VIEWERS: ...because that doesn't sound dirty at all.

ENTERPRISE: OMG, tentacle!raep D8

BALOK: STFU, or die.

[Faced with this hostility, Kirk makes the logical decision and decides to send out a communications buoy.]

KIRK: Must warn other vessels by deploying a recorder marker we totally don't use anymore!

VIEWERS: What the hell?

BAILEY: *is pwned again*

BALOK: What part of STFU don't you understand?

RECORDER MARKER: *is destroyed*

BALOK: All your base are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction.

KIRK: What you say?!

BALOK: You have no chance to survive. Make your time.

MCCOY & SCOTTY: *arrive*

MCCOY: We heard him all over the ship.

[Kirk gives an inspirational speech about civilization and understanding. Everyone is proud. They are still, however, about to die.]

KIRK: Ship to ship.

UHURA: Hailing frequencies open, sir. (4)

KIRK: Look, we come in peace yadda yadda but we know where we're not wanted, so we'll just get out of your hair. Whaddaya say?

BALOK: No.

ENTERPRISE: *is paralyzed*

VIEWSCREEN: *scary alien is scary*

BRIDGE CREW: What the fucking fuck?

BALOK: You die in 8 minutes.

BAILEY: *mental breakdown* Waste of time blah blah, we're all going to die, blah, you people are lunatics, blee. I want my mommy.

SULU: 7 minutes and 45 seconds.

BAILEY: He's doing a fucking countdown! What is wrong with you?

KIRK: STFU and GTFO.

MCCOY: *I-told-you-so glower*

KIRK: *get-the-hell-off-my-bridge stare*

MCCOY & BAILEY: *leave*

KIRK: Ship to ship.

UHURA: Hailing frequencies open, sir. (5)

KIRK: *last attempt to use reason*

BALOK: You have seven minutes.

BRIDGE CREW: *despair*

[The Enterprise still isn't moving. Sigh.]

ON THE BRIDGE, AGAIN

SULU: 4 minutes, 30 seconds.

KIRK: *paces*

SPOCK: *accompanies*

KIRK: Have I mentioned that I have no idea what to do?

SPOCK: *chess metaphor that basically translates to: we're screwed*

KIRK: That's all you have to say?

SPOCK: There are no logical alternatives.

KIRK: *walks away in disgust*

SPOCK: *woobie face*

VIEWERS: Awww!

MCCOY: *returns, accompanied by thundercloud* Did you notice how right I was about Bailey? His breakdown is your fault, you know. And it's going in my report.

KIRK: Now is so not a good time, Bones.

MCCOY: I'm not bluffing.

KIRK: You can't bluff me! Wait...*epiphany* Not chess. Poker!

BRIDGE CREW: *collective confusion*

KIRK: Ship to ship.

UHURA: Look, why don't you just replace me with a goddamned robot already? (6)

KIRK: THIS IS CAPTAIN JAMES T. MOTHERFUCKING KIRK, BITCHES! YOU BETTER KISS YOUR SHIT GOODBYE IF YOU WANT TO TAKE DOWN THIS SHIP OF GQMFs, BECAUSE WE'RE TOTALLY PACKING CORBOMITE. THAT'S RIGHT: CORBOMITE, GODDAMN. THIS SHIP IS YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE. YOU THINK WE'RE AFRAID TO DIE? HELL NO. WE'RE FUCKING GONNA TAKE YOU WITH US. TAKE A GOOD, LONG LOOK AT THIS SHINY-ASS HULL, MOTHERFUCKERS, 'CAUSE IT'S THE LAST THING YOU'LL EVER SEE.

BRIDGE CREW: What is he on? ...and where can we get some?

KIRK: *Crowning Moment of Awesome*

SPOCK: Well played, Captain.

KIRK & MCCOY: *heartwarming moment*

ALL: *wait*

RAND: BAMF!Phaser-heated!Coffee, anyone?

SULU: Thirty seconds.

TURBOLIFT: *opens*

BAILEY: Request permission to return to post, sir.

KIRK: Granted, Mr. Bailey.

KIRK & MCCOY: *shared eye-crinkle*

SUSPENSE: *thickens*

SULU: Five. Four. Three. Two. One.

ENTERPRISE: *does not explode*

BALOK: The destruction of your vessel...has been delayed. Request proof of GQMF status.

KIRK: Ship to ship.

UHURA: Why do you even need me? (7)

KIRK: CAPTAIN JAMES T. AWESOME WILL NOT DEIGN TO GIVE YOU YOUR PANSY-ASSED PROOF, GODDAMN. YOU WILL DO AS I SAY AND YOU WILL MOTHERFUCKING LIKE IT, UNDERSTAND?

BALOK: Yessir. Follow me, sir.

KIRK: That's more like it.

BALOK: But just so's we're clear, I could totally take you.

KIRK: Yeah, sure.

[The Enterprise is now being towed by a tiny glowy ship.]

MUSIC: *is dramatic*

BRIDGE CREW: *are tense*

SCENE: *is at least two minutes longer than is absolutely necessary so that all the Bridge Crewmembers can have their close-ups*

ON THE BRIDGE

KIRK (voiceover): We are now being towed by the alien vessel. And I have a plan. A very cunning plan. Essentially, it is this – wait and do nothing, and hope the alien makes a mistake.

VIEWERS: WTF kind of plan is that?

BALOK: *makes a mistake*

VIEWERS: ...apparently a foolproof one *facepalm*

SPOCK: *once again springs up from his console as if on, well, springs. What is with that?* He's sneaked power down a little!

KIRK: Awesome! See, I told you it was a cunning plan. Sulu, create some drag.

SULU: ...sir?

KIRK: Not that kind of drag, you idiot. Pull away from him! Strain that tractor beam to its maximum!

SULU: Aye, sir!

MINI!SHINY SHIP OF LIGHTBULBS AND DEATH: *glows brighter*

SULU: It's a strain sir. We're overheating.

SPOCK: That's my line. Captain, we're superheating. Eight thousand degrees...

SULU: You don't even do it properly.

ENTERPRISE: *shakes a lot*

CREW: *bounce from side to side in the hallways*

BRIDGE CREW: *are calm*

MINI!SHINY SHIP OF LIGHTBULBS AND DEATH: *glows even brighter*

KIRK: Even though I was under the impression we were already doing this, shear away, Mr. Bailey!

BAILEY: Aye sir!

SPOCK: Look, the numbers are getting so high, so fast I might as well not bother saying them. Suffice it to say, if we don't stop soon, we'll explode.

KIRK: Add moar powah!

SULU: O_O

ENTERPRISE: *wobbles, and breaks free*

SCOTTY: *arrives* The engines are traumatized, Captain.

BALOK: *is in distress*

KIRK: Crap. Organize a landing party and prepare to beam aboard.

SPOCK: Are you insane?

KIRK: I don't think so. Why?

MCCOY: Because you just gave the craziest order I've ever heard.

KIRK: Our mission is to seek out and contact new life, doctor, not destroy it. Oh, and by the way, you just totally volunteered.

MCCOY: o_O

KIRK: And you, Mr. Bailey. Since you've been pwned so much, it's only fair you get to have a moment of awesome too.

BAILEY: ...if it's all the same to you, sir, I'd rather not.

KIRK: STFU, noob. You're beaming over and that's that.

BAILEY: *pwned again*

SPOCK: *Vulcan equivalent of “I wanna come too!”*

KIRK: No, Spock. If it's a trap, I need you here.

SPOCK: *subsides*

SLASH!FANS: *melt*

KIRK: Let's go, gentlemen.

TRANSPORTER ROOM

SCOTTY: *is a Gofer*

LANDING PARTY, EXCEPT FOR MCCOY: *is ready*

SCOTTY: Bend over, gentlemen, the ceiling's fairly low where you're going.

LANDING PARTY: *bends over*

VIEWER: Okay, that looks wrong.

KIRK: Energize!

LANDING PARTY: *disappears*

SCOTTY: I wonder how they'll feel when they find out the whole bend-over thing was just to get back at them for upsetting me engines?

ONBOARD THE ALIEN VESSEL

LANDING PARTY: *materializes*

MCCOY: *bumps his head*

KIRK: *totally menaces an innocent dummy*

LANDING PARTY: WTF?

SCARY ALIEN DUMMY: *is harmless*

KIRK: It's a dummy.

BALOK: No duh. I'm the real alien.

KIRK: Holy shit.

[The landing party turns to find a creature that might have been a child, except it has buckled teeth, an orange, pasty face, bright red eyebrows, no hair and is dressed head to toe in hideous silver lame.]

VIEWERS: You know, you could just have shown his real face on screen. That shit is fucking disturbing.

LANDING PARTY: I say again, WTF?

BALOK: Sit, have a drink. I'm totally friendly. Have a drink.

LANDING PARTY: *collective suspicion*

KIRK: Um...?

BALOK: Drink first, ask questions later. *takes a sip*

KIRK: *drinks*

MCCOY & BAILEY: *do the same*

BALOK: So, OK. Puppet is Dr. Jekyll to my Mr. Hyde, blah, nobody would be scared of little ole me, blah blah. I run everything alone, blee, it was all a big test of honour, blah. Oh yeah, and I have the skin-crawling-est laugh you've ever heard and am in no way like some kind of creepy reverse pedophile. Not at all.

LANDING PARTY: O_O

VIEWER: I am so going to have nightmares after this.

BALOK: So, I was thinking of ~~keeping one of you as a pet~~ starting up a cultural exchange? I get lonely.

BAILEY: Uh, I volunteer to nobly sacrifice myself to stay here with this alien, to make up for having to be pwned so often.

KIRK: Good riddance. I mean, how brave of you.

BALOK: Quite. Now let me show off – that is, show you around my ship. Because we're so alike, you and I, Kirk.

KIRK: I'm...not sure if that's a compliment.

MCCOY: Shut up, Jim. If we behave, maybe we can get back to the ship without having to listen to him laugh one more time.

KIRK: Good point.

[The last we see of the landing party is Kirk and McCoy being led by Balok, with Bailey not far behind, disappearing into the bowels of Balok's disturbingly pink-and-purple-themed ship.]

MUSIC: *triumphant chords*

VIEWER: ...that was a whole new level of creepy, that was.

fin.

Next up, "Mudd's Women."

"An interesting game, this poker." (ST:TOS recap 2.1)

2009-08-10T23:11:14Z

Because apparently I can't resist writing these, even though nobody is actually reading them but me XD

Warnings: profanity, implied slash, spoilers, general crackiness & much character- and fandom- mocking. It's all done in fun, I swear, so please don't take offense :)

#3: The Corbomite Maneuver

[The Enterprise is, surprise, in space.]

ON THE BRIDGE

BAILEY: Boring mission is boring. Surely someone has taken pictures of this area before.

SPOCK: Actually, no. That's why we call it uncharted.

BAILEY: *is pwned*

ALERT LIGHT: *flashes*

SULU: Sir, there's something out there. We're on a collision course!

SPOCK: The logical thing to do would be to get out of the way.

SULU: It's following us!

ENTERPRISE & MYSTERIOUS OBJECT: *dance*

BRIDGE CREW: WTF?

VIEWSCREEN: *Shiny Cube of Death*

BRIDGE CREW: No, seriously. WTF?

SPOCK: Look, just go around it, Mr. Sulu.

SULU: *attempts*

SHINY CUBE OF DEATH: *follows*

BAILEY: It's still following us!

SPOCK: I'll do the shouting around here, Mr. Bailey. Sound the alert!

ALERT: *is sounded*

BAILEY: *is pwned*

OPENING CREDITS

[The Enterprise and the Shiny Cube of Death play chicken.]

KIRK (voiceover): Just in case you missed what happened before the credits, that Shiny Cube of Death and the Enterprise are playing chicken. Meanwhile, I'm in the sickbay, getting physical – I mean, getting a physical with Dr. McCoy.

IN THE SICKBAY

KIRK: *is sweaty and half naked, and apparently undergoing a routine physical exam*

MCCOY: *is totally not ogling the captain's bare chest*

KIRK'S BOOTIES: *are random and hilarious*

MCCOY: Just a few seconds more, Jim.

KIRK: I hate you.

RED ALERT: *is ignored*

MCCOY: OK, you can stop now.

RED ALERT: *is noticed*

KIRK: *glares an evil glare*

MCCOY: *innocence*

KIRK: Captain to bridge. What's going on?

SPOCK: *is totally not ogling the captain's bare chest* We have encountered a Shiny Cube of Death.

KIRK & MCCOY: WTF?

SPOCK: That was our reaction also. We don't know what it is and it won't go away.

KIRK: I'll be right up. *turns off the viewscreen and starts walking out of the room* Doctor, why didn't you tell me about the red alert?

MCCOY: Because you'd just have done what you're about to do now –

KIRK: *leaves without bothering to let him finish*

MCCOY: – leave without bothering to let me finish.

SOME HALLWAY ON THE ENTERPRISE

KIRK: *saunters down the hallway, half naked, still wearing his booties*

CREWMEMBERS: *are totally not ogling the captain's bare chest*

IN A TURBOLIFT

KIRK: *is still half naked* Captain to bridge.

SPOCK (intercom): Spock here.

KIRK: Still playing chicken?

SPOCK: Yes, captain.

KIRK: Oh, OK then. I just thought I'd take this opportunity to remind you that I am half naked. I'll get changed before I come up to the bridge, then. If it's not, you know, an emergency or anything, because in that case I could just come up there now. Half naked.

SPOCK: …

KIRK: Never mind, Mr. Spock. Kirk out.

THE BRIDGE

SPOCK: Everything must be perfect for when the captain arrives, understood?

BAILEY: You know, about before; I only shouted because I have an adrenaline gland, which is totally OK and human. You don't have to be all pissy about it.

SPOCK: Your puny human physiology is no match for my scathing half-Vulcan wit.

SULU: *lulz!*

BAILEY: *not amused*

SULU: Mr. Spock will pwn you every time, noob.

CAPTAIN'S QUARTERS

KIRK: *still half naked* Kirk to bridge.

SPOCK: Is there a reason you're still only wearing your pants, captain?

KIRK: Because you're still on the bridge, Mr. Spock. Any changes?

SPOCK: The same as when you called two minutes ago, captain. And I'm still not ogling your bare chest.

KIRK: *finally puts on a shirt* Fine.

SPOCK: By the way, I anticipated your orders in a manner that is in no way reminiscent of an old, married couple and have the department heads standing by.

KIRK: Very good, Mr. Spock. I'll be there in a minute. Kirk out.

[The Enterprise and the Shiny Cube of Death continue to play chicken]

THE BRIDGE

RED ALERT LIGHT: *is flashing*

VIEWSCREEN: *Shiny Cube of Death*

KIRK: *enters bridge*

SPOCK: Good morning, captain. We still know exactly jack squat.

UHURA: I will now speak what seems to be my only line in this episode. Hailing frequencies are open, no message.

KIRK: Navigation?

BAILEY: It's not moving, sir.

SULU: Also, it's big.

KIRK: Great. It's a big, silent, stationary Shiny Cube of Death. Scotty? A little help?

SCOTTY: I have no idea how it works.

KIRK: Life sciences?

MCCOY: Not a clue.

KIRK: Doesn't anyone know anything on this ship?!

BAILEY: I think we should blow it up.

KIRK: ...I didn't ask for your opinion. STFU.

BAILEY: *exists solely to get pwned by his superiors*

[Yeah, we're still in face-off mode.]

BRIEFING ROOM

KIRK (voiceover): If you're just tuning in, there's this Shiny Cube of Death and we know nothing about it. The only difference is, now we've known nothing for 18 hours.

SPOCK: Either it's a space buoy, or it's intergalactic fly paper.

KIRK: *punnage*

SPOCK: *oblivious*

KIRK: OK, so we do something. Mr. Bailey -

BAILEY: It can be explosion tiems nao?

KIRK: Uh, no. Let's try pulling away again. Because that worked so well the last two times we tried it.

BAILEY: Yes sir. *beyond pwned*

[The exact same scene is shown for what is possibly the fifth time now: Enterprise and the Shiny Cube of Death stare blankly at each other across an empty expanse of space.]

VIEWERS: Dude, is anything going to actually happen in this episode?

ON THE BRIDGE

ENTERPRISE: *attempts to get away*

SHINY CUBE OF DEATH: *emits radiation*

KIRK: OK, stop.

BAILEY: It's still coming towards us!

SHINY CUBE OF DEATH: *menaces*

RADIATION: *increases*

KIRK: Um, evasive maneuvers?

ENTERPRISE: *attempts to get away*

SHINY CUBE OF DEATH: *goes fuzzy and starts spinning faster. Does not go away*

RADIATION: *continues to increase*

KIRK: NEEDS. MOAR. POWAH.

RADIATION: *enters lethal zone*

KIRK: Oh, fuck this. Lock phasers on target!

BAILEY: I'm sorry sir, I was so busy waiting to be pwned I didn't hear what you said.

KIRK: Lock phasers on target!

BAILEY: Yessir!

KIRK: Fire!

SHINY CUBE OF DEATH: *blows up*

CREW: *throw themselves around the ship*

[OK, so now it's just the Enterprise out there. I guess that's an improvement?]

KIRK (voiceover): Captain's log. Because I'm sure there are at least three people in the galaxy who don't know it yet, we destroyed the cube. Now what?

ON THE BRIDGE

KIRK: Anything, Mr. Spock?

SPOCK: Even less than before, captain.

KIRK: *totally not ogling Spock's ass* So what should we do now?

SPOCK: Why ask me when you've already made up your mind?

KIRK: Emotional security, Mr. Spock.

KIRK & SPOCK: *eye!sex*

SLASH!FANS: *squee* They are so doing it.

PURISTS: Theirs is an epic friendship, nothing more!

SLASHERS & PURISTS: *catfight*

KIRK: Ahem. Mr. Bailey, let's keep going.

BAILEY: Aye, sir.

MCCOY: *enters bridge*

KIRK: Mr. Bailey, I can't resist pwning you one last time. The phaser time was totally slow. I want repeated simulations until you're proficient, mister. Pro-fic-ient. Gottit? Dismissed.

MCCOY: Let me accompany you to the turbolift, captain, even though I only just came on the bridge. Have I mentioned lately that you're pushing the crew too hard and Bailey's on the verge of a nervous collapse? Just so that you know.

KIRK: Have you been reading Freud again?

MCCOY: Only the good parts.

KIRK: I am not in love with my mother, I have absolutely no interesting dreams involving cigars or tunnels, I do not see Bailey as a ghost of my former self and my attachment to my ship is not a method of compensating for the size of my penis. Does that cover everything?

MCCOY: ...OK, so maybe it's a good thing I'm a doctor, not a psychiatrist.

[The Enterprise is streaming through space again at last.]

VIEWERS: Finally.

KIRK'S QUARTERS

MCCOY: Lets have a drink. I haven't finished my harangue yet, and it's not like we're in the middle of a crisis or anything.

SPOCK (intercom): Results of the exercises, sir. 94%.

KIRK: That's not perfection, Mr. Spock. Lets keep trying until they hit 100% or have a nervous breakdown, whichever comes first.

MCCOY: *glares an evil glare*

KIRK: *smirks*

SPOCK: Yes, captain.

MCCOY: What are you going to do with that 6% when they give it to you, Jim?

KIRK: I'm going to take that 6% and I'm going to –

VIEWERS: Is Kirk about to utter a profanity?

DOOR: *interrupts*

VIEWERS: ...damn.

CREW: *runs simulated attacks in the background*

YEOMAN RAND: *is bothersome and female*

KIRK: WTF is this shit? *pokes at green stuff on his plate*

MCCOY: *smug* I've put you on a diet. You're fat.

KIRK: If I have to eat this crap, so do you!

MCCOY: Oh no. I don't eat until the crew eats.

KIRK: *glares an evil glare* I hate you.

MCCOY: I know.

KIRK: I hate her too. Why did they give me a female yeoman?

MCCOY: Wassamatter Jim, don't you trust yourself?

KIRK: Girls are icky. Besides, I'm married to my ship.

SULU (intercom): OK, guys, this time it's not a drill!

KIRK: What now?

SPOCK (intercom): Another object, captain.

KIRK: Oh, crap. Here we go again. At least I don't have to eat this rabbit muck.

MCCOY: For now.

KIRK: Damn.

"Nobody here but us chickens." (ST:TOS Recap 1.2)

2009-08-08T18:01:58Z

Here's the second part to my first recap. Be warned that there are definitely SPOILERS.

Part One is here.

#2: WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE

ON THE PLANET

BACKDROP: *is totally real*

LANDING PARTY: *beams down*

MITCHELL: *collapses into Jim's arms* Hold me!

LEE: I can probably fix the ship.

KIRK: Good. Take Mr. Mitchell to the bedroom. I mean, the holding area. There's no way he could get out of there.

ALL OF THE LANDING PARTY EXCEPT DEHNER: *does so*

DEHNER: Just to be absolutely clear, we're the only ones on this planet?

KIRK: Nobody here but us chickens, doctor.

[And yes, I swear, he really says that.]

SOMEWHERE IN ONE OF THE BUILDINGS

KIRK: Let's rig up a secret self-destruct mechanism. Just in case.

LEE: For some reason, I'm not overly enthusiastic about that idea.

PROTO!SPOCK (entering): Even though he never showed any signs of actually losing consciousness, Mitchell is coming round.

THE BRIG

FORCEFIELD: *hums*

KIRK: Let's split up. Dehner, you can take the first shift, because you're obviously not in love with Mitchell at all and could not possibly be coerced to join him.

MITCHELL: Let me remind you again that we have history, Kirk. Why do you fear me?

KIRK: You said you'd squash me like an insect. That is somewhat disturbing.

MITCHELL: I can see how that would put a dampener on our relationship. Plus, I'm so much more awesome than you. See? *walks into the forcefield and is not fried*

KIRK: Gary, don't! You know it hurts my feelings when people are more awesome than me!

FORCEFIELD: Oh no you don't, bitch! *flings Mitchell across the cell*

MITCHELL: Jim...

KIRK: Let me state the obvious and observe that his eyes have returned to their normal colour.

PROTO!SPOCK: His power was drained by the forcefield. He could be handled now.

SLASH!FANS: Minds, meet gutter.

MITCHELL: Not even, suckers!

MITCHELL'S EYES: *are shiny*

EVERYONE: *staring match*

MITCHELL: Oh yeah, I just keep getting awesomer.

ON THE SHIP

SCOTTY: We replaced the damaged props, sir. The ship is ready to go. Oh, and did Mr. Spock get that phaser rifle you totally didn't authorize?

KIRK: Phaser rifle? What phaser rifle?

PROTO!SPOCK: *appears conveniently with what looks like a water pistol that is nearly as big as he is*

KIRK: Oh. That phaser rifle. Yes, we got it. Kirk out.

KIRK: *storms off angrily, Spock in pursuit*

PROTO!SPOCK: Trust me, Captain, this is the only way he's going to accept that it's over between you.

KIRK: Dehner said he was coming around to the idea! These things take time, Spock. I know you feel –

PROTO!SPOCK: This might be a good time to remind you, Captain, that I am a Vulcan and as such do not know the meaning of the word “feel.” It is my rational, considered opinion, based solely on logic, that Gary Mitchell must die.

KIRK: Well, that's OK then.

LEE: You can blow up the planet now, sir.

KIRK & SPOCK: *exchange an intense look*

KIRK: Lee, you just volunteered for a ~~suicide~~ heroic mission.

LEE: ...

MUSIC: *swells*

OUTSIDE THE BRIG

KIRK (voiceover): Let me bring you up to date. The ship is fully functional again and most of the crew is back on board, except those who actually have names. Mitchell is getting stronger by the minute. We know this, even though he has done nothing but stare at Dehner from his cell for several hours. Oh, and I just revealed to him that Lee Kelso is all alone in the control room with the destruct button. That can't possibly end badly.

IN THE CONTROL ROOM

LOOSE WIRE: *moves on its own*

LEE: *is oblivious*

WIRE: *stalks Lee*

LEE: *is still oblivious*

WIRE: *strangles Lee*

LEE: *dies and is dead*

OUTSIDE THE BRIG

DEHNER: I'm staying here with Gary! *stamps foot*

KIRK: I gave you an order! You will obey me!

MITCHELL: She doesn't take orders from you anymore, Jimmy. *handwave of DOOM!*

KIRK: *struck by lightning*

PROTO!SPOCK: Jim! No! *jumps in front of the captain's prone body and aims the ~~water pistol~~ phaser rifle at Mitchell*

MITCHELL: *second handwave of DOOM!*

PROTO!SPOCK: *struck by lightning*

DEHNER: O hai, I has God Powers nao.

MITCHELL & DEHNER: *escape*

LATER, OUTSIDE THE BRIG

DR. WHO IS NOT MCCOY: *runs to the captain*

KIRK: Holy shit WTF my head ow.

DR. WHO IS NOT MCCOY: Here, take this *feeds Kirk imaginary pill*

KIRK: *pretends to swallow*

DR. WHO IS NOT MCCOY: Kelso is dead, but Spock is still alive, obviously. Hang on while I feed him an imaginary pill too.

KIRK: No, wait until I'm gone. I must confront Gary alone, for I am a hero and this is what heroes do. When he comes round, beam back to the ship. Now, where did they go?

DR. WHO IS NOT MCCOY: Even though I didn't get here until just now and can't possibly have seen them leave, let me give you impossibly specific directions to their precise location.

KIRK: Thanks. I must go and be a martyr now. *picks up the ~~water pistol~~ phaser rifle* If you don't hear from me in half an hour, I'm probably dead. Don't wait up.

SOMEWHERE ON THE PLANET

ROCKS: *are totally made of real rock. What do you mean, you don't believe me?*

MITCHELL & DEHNER: *wander around*

DEHNER: So, like, even with my god-powers I'm completely useless and subordinate to you for some unknown reason.

MITCHELL: Inorite? Watch me use my awesome powers to create...a landscaped garden! Clearly I am a superior being. Also, have you noticed that my hair seems to be greying with each passing scene? I could swear it was completely black when we first got here.

SOMEWHERE (ELSE) ON THE PLANET

KIRK: *sneaks*

SOMEWHERE ON THE PLANET

MITCHELL: *Sees Kirk*

DEHNER: What's wrong?

MITCHELL: My ex. I don't think he approves of our relationship.

SOMEWHERE (ELSE) ON THE PLANET

ROCK: *attempts to brain Kirk*

KIRK: HOLYCRAPWTFTHATWASCLOSE.

SOMEWHERE ON THE PLANET

MITCHELL: Oh yeah, baby. Who's your god, then?

SOMEWHERE (ELSE) ON THE PLANET

KIRK: *sneaks even more sneakily*

SOMEWHERE ON THE PLANET

MITCHELL: My favourite fruit, let me show you it.

SOMEWHERE (ELSE) – OH, FORGET IT

KIRK: *drags himself from behind a rock, looking stuffed*

DEHNER: I can seee you.

MITCHELL: Go show him how your awesomeness has grown, Lizzy.

DEHNER: *appears in front of Kirk*

KIRK: OMGWTFBBQ.

DEHNER: Yeah, so, I'm no longer human.

KIRK: Yes, you are.

DEHNER: No, really, I'm not. I'm so much more awesome than you now.

KIRK: You're hurting my feelings. Let me try to confuse you with wisdom. You're a psychiatrist. What happens when human beings are given absolute power?

DEHNER: La la la, not listening. PS, he's right behind you.

MITCHELL: Dude, you ruined the surprise.

KIRK: Mitchell! We are so broken up! *fires the ~~water pistol~~ phaser rifle*

MITCHELL: Pfft, yeah, whatever. *handwave of DOOM!*

PHASER RIFLE: *goes flying*

KIRK: *sadface*

MITCHELL: You die now.

ROCKS: *are ominous*

KIRK'S GRAVE: *appears*

KIRK'S TOMBSTONE: *is creepy and inaccurate*

OLD!FANS: Excuse me! Kirk's middle initial is T, not R. WTF, Roddenberry?

MITCHELL: *handwave of DOOM!*

ROCKS: *rumble and tilt*

DEHNER: Hey, um, I didn't sign up for this.

MITCHELL: Morality is for men, not for gods.

KIRK: For the last time, you're not a god!

MITCHELL: YES I AM! Get on your knees and beg me to take you back, you snivelling centipede who was once my dearest friend!

KIRK: Jealous god, much? Next thing you know, you'll be eliminating the competition.

MITCHELL: That's an idea.

DEHNER: *handwave of DOOM!*

MITCHELL: *handwave of DOOMIER DOOM!*

DEHNER & MITCHELL: *epic battle!*

DEHNER: *collapses*

MITCHELL: *is weakened*

DEHNER: Hurry, you haven't much time!

KIRK & MITCHELL: Let us engage in sweaty fisticuffs here in the dirt in a manner totally without homoerotic subtext!

KIRK'S TOMBSTONE: *is still inaccurate*

KIRK: Gary, forgive me. *fails to brain Mitchell with a huge rock*

MITCHELL: I so do not forgive you.

KIRK'S SHIRT: *is mysteriously torn*

KIRK & MITCHELL: Let us also fall into this conveniently placed grave, in case the viewers have failed to notice how inaccurate the tombstone is.

KIRK: *escapes and fires his rifle at the precariously balanced rocks*

KIRK'S TOMBSTONE: *falls into the grave, now doubly inaccurate*

HUGE ROCK: Oddly, I am the perfect shape to fit into this hole and thereby trap Mitchell beneath the earth forever.

KIRK: ...I can't believe I just did that.

[He goes and lies down in front of Dehner. As you do.]

DEHNER: I'm sorry, but even though I'm about to die, I'm still more awesome than you. *dies a heroic death*

KIRK: Excuse me, what is with you people? I just took out a god. I am totally the ~~prettiest~~ most awesome.

BACK ON THE SHIP

KIRK'S HAND: *is bandaged*

KIRK: Captain's log. Talk about a bad breakup. Dehner and Mitchell are dead. But because Mitchell was my friend, I'm going to pretend he didn't go insane and kill two members of my crew before he karked it.

PROTO!SPOCK: *is totally not concerned*

KIRK: It wouldn't be right to put that sort of thing on his permanent record, Spock. He didn't ask for it.

PROTO!SPOCK: I felt for him too.

KIRK: Obligatory Vulcan joke is obligatory. Wait, what?

PROTO!SPOCK: I said, I believe this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

KIRK: There may just be hope for you yet, Mr. Spock.

fin.

Next time, "The Corbomite Maneuver."

"Nobody here but us chickens." (ST:TOS Recap 1.1)

2009-08-08T17:06:37Z

Because I'm bored, and because I'm going to rewatch Star Trek: TOS anyway, I decided to do a series of recaps/parodies of each episode as I go, in the style of cleolinda's awesome Movies in 15 Minutes. All credit for the concept and layout go to her, and you should definitely check out her community - she's absolutely brilliant.

NB: I'm going to be watching in production order, because I want to see how the show developed, so that's why the order may seem a little screwy. Oh, and I'm going to do "The Cage" last, because it does not have Kirk in it, and is therefore not of as much interest XD

#2: WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE

[The Enterprise is flying through space. As starships do.]

KIRK (voiceover): The impossible has happened! A ship is in distress, only it disappeared hundreds of years ago. Naturally we have to find out what this means. The idea of an automatic distress signal is foreign to us.

[Camera pulls back, to reveal Kirk & Spock playing chess before a viewscreen of stars. Spock's eyebrows are funny and he looks weird in yellow.]

PROTO!SPOCK: I'm totally not smug that I will shortly beat you at this game.

KIRK: No wai. *pwns Spock*

PROTO!SPOCK: *pouts*

KIRK: No feelings, my ass.

BRIDGE: Captain! We get signal!

KIRK: What happen?

BRIDGE: Someone set us up the bomb! It's an Olde Fashionede Ship's Recorder that they used to jettison in times of distress! Because we totally don't have those anymore *cough*

KIRK: Bring it aboard, Mr. Kelso.

BRIDGE: Yes sir.

IN THE ~~TRANSPORTER~~ SORRY, THE MATERIALIZER ROOM

SCOTTY: *is an Engineer*

RECORDER: *is beamed aboard, looking like the warped offspring of a propellor and a camera tripod*

PROTO!SPOCK: I will now deduce that the ship that launched this recorder was destroyed, due to the fact that it is burnt and pitted. Because there's obviously no other way that this could have happened.

KIRK: You're right Mr. Spock. Let's find out what it knows. And go to red alert. This is srs bzns.

RED ALERT SIRENS: *start wailing*

OPENING CREDITS

INSIDE A TURBOLIFT

MITCHELL: *barely makes it in the door*

KIRK: Run, much?

MITCHELL: I totally wasn't stalking you. Did you finish your chess game?

PROTO!SPOCK: Humans are illogical and I don't want to talk about it.

MITCHELL: Sorr-ee.

ON THE BRIDGE

ENTERPRISE: *goes boldly where no man has gone before*

KIRK: Wait, let's stop and think about this for a minute. People have actually gone here before.

ENTERPRISE: *pauses*

KIRK (TO CREW): Barrier at the edge of the galaxy, blah blah blah, ship going into the unknown, blah, nobody has ever returned, therefore, we're going anyway. But first we have to see what this old recorder has to say about the previous ship's messy demise, because, I don't know, there's a remote possibility it might be relevant to our interests in some way.

DEPARTMENT HEADS: *enter bridge*

DR. WHO IS NOT MCCOY: This is Dr. Dehner. You haven't met her, because the plot calls for her to be introduced to the viewers.

DR. ELIZABETH DEHNER: Hai, I'm a psychiatrist and I'm here to kick ass and take names. Unfortunately, I am basically superfluous, which is why I am going to die before the end of this episode.

MITCHELL: *lame pick-up line that I can't hear*

DEHNER: *ice-bitch routine*

CREW: Ooh, burn!

PROTO!SPOCK: Information coming in from the recorder, sir. I will now proceed to relate the tragic story of a doomed ship in a completely emotionless manner.

BRIDGE CREW: *concern*

PROTO!SPOCK: Blah blah ion storm blah, impulse engines blah, tapes are burned and oh yeah something about ESP.

KIRK (TO DEHNER): Well, Doc?

DEHNER: My ESP level is high. My intelligence quotient is not.

PROTO!SPOCK: Damage, death, destruction – wait, that can't be right. No captain in this series has ever even considered blowing up his own ship.

BRIDGE CREW: *more concern*

MUSIC: *swells*

KIRK: Well, that settles it. Something terrible obviously happened to them. Let's go and see what it was. Point us straight at that uncrossable barrier, Mr. Mitchell.

MITCHELL: Sure thing, Captain BFF sir!

ENTERPRISE: *resumes going boldly*

BRIDGE CREW: *still more concern*

ENTERPRISE: *encounters flashy lights!*

MITCHELL: We are clearly about to die. Let me take hold of this conveniently placed female Ensign whose name nobody remembers, so that we may cling together as we approach the void!

BRIDGE PANELS: *blow up*

KIRK: Get us out of here!

DEHNER: *turns bright colours and falls to the ground!*

MITCHELL: *turns bright colours and falls to the ground!*

PROTO!SPOCK: *takes over helm controls because he is just that badass*

CREW: *is shaken up*

KIRK: What the hell was that?

DEHNER: Something – hit me. Like an – electric charge. Rendered my acting – Shatner-esque.

[Kirk apparently attempts to feel her up while she's lying on the floor, surrounded by concerned male officers, but is thwarted by the appearance of the doctor.]

DR. WHO IS NOT MCCOY: Mitchell is alive, but in shock. This is obviously far more important than whatever that woman was going to say.

KIRK: Gary! Speak to me!

MITCHELL: In spite of lying prone on the ground, Captain, I'm perfectly fine.

KIRK: Let me see you! *cradles Mitchell's head* OH NOES!

MITCHELL'S EYES: *are shiny*

MUSIC: *swells*

[External shot of the Enterprise, still in space.]

KIRK (voiceover): I could go into a long explanation here, but the simple fact of the matter is, we're screwed.

BACK ON THE BRIDGE

[Kirk and Proto!Spock are looking at the records of Dr. Dehner and Mitchell – specifically, their ESP ratings, which are high.]

DEHNER (coming onto the bridge): Autopsies of the dead crewmen show damage to their brains. Oddly, they were also all wearing red shirts. It's possible the two may be related.

PROTO!SPOCK: The foreshadowing to date indicates that their ESPer ratings are why they were targeted. You and Mitchell survived because you have names. Oh, and your ESP ratings are the highest of all.

DEHNER: This means nothing! ESP totally isn't dangerous.

PROTO!SPOCK: I will now point out that there are a variety of psychic powers which are dangerous, even though pyrokinesis and telekinesis are not strictly ESP.

DEHNER: I refuse to believe you.

KIRK: Spock is always right, noob.

KIRK & DEHNER: *intense staring contest*

IN SICKBAY

MITCHELL: *is bored*

SURPRISE!KIRK: *visits*

KIRK & MITCHELL: *friendly bonding tiem* We has history. Go us!

KIRK: What've you been doing in the five seconds during which you were off-screen?

MITCHELL: Reading. At the academy you were a total geek. Now it's my turn to be the swotty professor dude!

NEW!FANS: Wait, WTF? Kirk was a geek?! *world-views implode*

MITCHELL: Oh, btw, I totally set you up with that blonde chick way back when.

KIRK: I almost married her!

OLD!FANS: Two words – Carol. Marcus. *smug*

KIRK: You and Dehner deserve each other. *goes to leave*

MITCHELL: That's not very friendly. *god-voice* You'd better be good to me, Jimmy, or else.

KIRK: ...Oh yeah, that totally wasn't creepy at all.

STILL IN SICKBAY

MITCHELL: *shows off new uber-fast reading skillz*

KIRK & SPOCK: *spy on him from the Bridge*

MITCHELL: *looks right at the camera* I sees whut you do thar.

KIRK (on the bridge): Gary's acting kind of oddly. Let's subject him to medical experiments and see what happens.

ONCE AGAIN, SICKBAY

DR. WHO IS NOT MCCOY: I've never seen such a perfectly healthy person!

MITCHELL: Yeah, I'm just that awesome.

DR. WHO IS NOT MCCOY: *leaves*

DEHNER: I have to watch over you for your own good. It has nothing to do with the fact that I find you attractive and interesting.

MITCHELL: Look what I can do! *pretends to die*

DEHNER: OMG no, I love you!

MITCHELL: *is not dead*

DEHNER: WTF?

MITCHELL: It can be sexy tiems nao?

LEE KELSO: *interrupts*

MITCHELL: You are an idiot who has no idea that a part of this ship is about to explode. Why can't you be awesome, like me?

LEE: How the hell can you know that?

MITCHELL: FOOL! I AM GOD!

LEE: ...fine, I can take a hint. See if I come and check on you ever again.

IN THE BRIEFING ROOM

LEE: Gary was right. How unexpected.

PROTO!SPOCK: He is no longer Gary Mitchell.

DEHNER: Do you have no feelings whatsoever? He is totally Gary Mitchell, and he's also totally hot.

KIRK: Don't get him started about feelings. What signs are there that Gary Mitchell has unusual powers?

SCOTTY: He flicked the switches with his mind!

PROTO!SPOCK: And he smiled while he did it.

KIRK: Doctor, is this true?

DEHNER: Gary is not evil! You are all poopyheads!

KIRK: Sulu, give me some totally irrelevant information that will show everyone how scientific you are.

BLUE!SULU: Geometric blah, mathematics blah blah, soon we will be as insects compared to his power.

KIRK: Great. Don't tell the crew. They totally don't handle this sort of thing every other week, and might therefore have a nervous breakdown.

DEPARTMENT HEADS, EXCEPT FOR SPOCK: *leave*

KIRK: *leans dramatically against a convenient pillar and looks tragic*

PROTO!SPOCK: Captain, either you break up with Mitchell and ditch him on the deserted planet we happen to be in range of, or you kill him. I suggest the latter.

KIRK: Spock, I know you don't like it when people have feelings in front of you but he's my best friend, therefore I must emote at you.

PROTO!SPOCK: Captain, we both know that we are destined to be ~~lovers~~ BFFs. Therefore, Mitchell must be eliminated.

KIRK: I really can't argue with that sort of logic, Mr. Spock. Set course for the deserted planet!

[The Enterprise approaches an orange blob, presumably the planet.]

KIRK (voiceover): Just FYI, there really is nobody on this planet. In case we hadn't made that obvious before. It may also help us to fix our engines, since it boasts an automated mining facility that creates the specific phlebotonium we need. Oh yes, and we're going to maroon my best friend down there, because he's clearly a threat t~~o my relationship with Spock~~ the ship, even though he hasn't actually done anything yet.

IN THE SICKBAY, AGAIN

MITCHELL: *levitates a cup*

KIRK (entering): I disapprove.

MITCHELL: You care more about Spock than you do me! *tantrum*

KIRK & SPOCK: *struck by lightning*

MITCHELL: *smug* I can't hear anything over the sound of how awesome I am.

KIRK: *attacks* Quick! Hypospray him into compliance!

MITCHELL: ...damn.

THE TRANSPORTER ROOM

MITCHELL: Even though I'm supposed to be unconscious, I am able to stand on my own.

LANDING PARTY: *beams down*

END PART 1

Dude, I am such a hypocrite.

2009-07-24T07:58:12Z

Still haven't seen Nu!Trek, but I find that I am entirely in favour of it. Why the change of heart, you ask?

One word: Generations.

That movie sucks ass. I will never forgive them for having the balls to kill off Kirk in such an ignominious fashion. Seriously; not only does it break my heart, but COME ON. Why not just leave us with the idea of him living a long, full life having his usual adventures with Spock and McCoy? It's unfair that they had to go and kill him off entirely, and with that stupid scene with the bridge to boot (talk about insult to injury >.<).

But before I get into the old rant (I swear, I'm still going to be grousing about that when I'm eighty), I'm going to return to my point. I did have one, at one stage. I've been getting back into the original episodes and loving them even more this time around, so I got to thinking about the movies. Naturally, Generations came to mind, and I will filled with fresh grief and aggravation. So then I thought about Star Trek XI, and I realized that it is in fact a good thing (assuming it is as good a movie as its fans tell me), because the concept of an alternate timeline presents the opportunity to undo what was done in Generations. I don't know whether I will ever see Pine and Quinto and Urban as the real thing, but at least there is the hope that the terrible ending can be rectified.

I can hardly wait to rent that DVD now XD

Once a Trekkie, always a Trekkie.

2009-07-15T11:01:01Z

I forgot how much I love Star Trek. Mind you, I still haven't seen the latest one yet - our car crapped out and I missed it at the movies, so now I have a long wait for the DVD. Stupid me for resisting going to see it on the big screen because of Quinto hate *sigh*

Anyway, to make money for my new computer, I've been going through my old books and videos, selling the Trek ones in an attempt to capitalise on their recent popularity. Only I find I cannot bear to part with them. It was my first real fandom, you know, and virtually the only one I've ever participated in to any degree. And holy shit. I was watching the Animated Series tonight? Which, by the way, I bought a long time ago but have never actually seen. And it nearly made me cry, hearing their familiar voices. WTF self? I thought I was over it, but apparently not, because then I started remembering how much fun it used to be, and how much I adored them, and how much of my current personality and philosophy was shaped by that show. Not to mention I started mourning DeForrest Kelley all over again (*sigh*). I was so upset to find that he was dead when I was younger. I always have had a thing for older, craggy, snarky men XD

And then I started thinking how I'd somehow lost the ability to suspend my disbelief that far. I mean, I can't tolerate modern sci fi for the most part (Lost, Fringe, et al? Ew) but more than that, I can hardly even sit through the original series anymore. Which made me sad. And then I started wondering why the latest movie was XI. Apparently I completely blocked out all memory of the movies from Undiscovered Country onwards, but especially the debacles of Nemesis and Generations, because Kirk's death was so traumatic for my poor, over-invested 16 year old self. He's the only fictional character whose death I've ever cried over. Which is slightly embarassing, but I was going through a tough time when I read Generations (I didn't see the movie until later, when I was forewarned) and it felt like all hope in the galaxy had been destroyed. I remember clearly that I literally sobbed - which, back then, was unusual for me, given my devotion to Vulcan-like logic (Yes, I'm serious. Did I mention I have a tendency to become overfond of my fandoms?). Oh, and then I remembered this awesome Spock/McCoy fic I once read, before I even knew slash existed, let alone shipped any of it (which I still maintain I don't and you can't prove otherwise mwahaha), which amused me, because god, I was such an INNOCENT then. I barely understood what homosexuality was, FFS, save that people thought it was wrong. I wonder if that fic still exists. Hmm...

Anyway, now I'm totally kicking myself for selling my DVDs of Wrath of Khan and The Search for Spock *grumbles* I miss them. Like, really. Fuck. *sniffles*

So I'm going to totally kit out my new MacBook Pro in Trek stuff now.

Because it's totally the logical thing to do ^_^

Oh, crap.

2009-06-15T01:27:01Z

I have made no secret of the fact that I majorly dislike Quinto and have been avoiding going to see the new Trek movie because of it. I don't care how much he looks like Spock or how good the movie is, the guy gives me the creeps.

And then this morning I found out it's partly based on my favourite Trek novel ever, and Karl Urban is an awesome Leonard McCoy, in spite of lacking DeForrest Kelley's beautiful blue eyes.

I spent the entire rest of the day obsessing over the movie *facepalm* Way to go, self.

Bwhahaha.

2009-04-27T02:32:16Z

So, because I'm not feeling so great today, I was watching daytime TV to distract myself and discovered Days of Our Lives. This is the funniest shit I've ever seen. Seriously. It's like badfic on crack. They have a "serial killer" running around in a hockey mask and everyone's all tense only they're such poor actors that it's laughable rather than concerning. I'm literally cracking up. I thought it was a parody at first, but apparently they're serious o_O

So much lulz.

What is it about Scarlet, anyway?

2009-02-02T10:52:22Z

So, I'm here again because I have to fangirl over The Scarlet Pimpernel. Honestly. In my defense, this is only partly because Richard E. Grant is gorgeous in seventeeth century dress (and you know if I'm saying that he must be, because I really don't do the fangirl thing that often...I swear! There are way more rants than raves in this LJ alone, that has to count for something XD). The main reason I love it is because it - is - fucking - hilarious.

I'm the first to admit that the acting - well, it sort of sucks. I really like Elizabeth McGovern (I think that's her name?) - she was in The House of Mirth as well, and she has such a nice face, odd as that sounds - but she can't really act very well. The scene in the jail where (mild spoiler) she confesses to betraying him and he's all, "ZOMG, My Looove, there's nothing to forgive" (I'm sorry, I'm cracking up here...this totally killed me); yes, not so well done. And ew, eating-face-kissing = NOT a turn on. Still, DRAMADRAMA! And the book, I loved it. Because although Marguerite is, sadly, an idiotic twit without a feminist bone in her fainting body, she nevertheless is brave and the idea of husband and wife overcoming their contempt for each other to find lasting happiness? For some reason it turns me into a squeeing fangirly person. Seriously; I adored The Painted Veil for this very reason. It's slightly embarassing, but there you are.

I did have nitpicks, though. Firstly, CANON! WHERE ART THOU? Because Marguerite did not end up in La Force in the book. She was captured and used as a hostage, and poor Percy has a BRAIN, unlike his wife - he was not strutting around wearing the stupid flower all over his stupid coat. IN FRANCE. DURING THE REVOLUTION. WHEN THEY WERE HUNTING FOR HIM EVERYWHERE. PLEASE. Le French, they are not being dumb. They sees what he does there, m'kay? Nor did he get captured. He was nearly captured. Once. And the other time he was captured he was in disguise, so nobody actually knew it at the time. Which reminds me - where were the disguises?! I wanted my disguises! Although, I kid you not, the scene where he removes the mini dagger from the heel of his shoe? Priceless. Delicious. I nearly suffocated laughing. But yes. Disguises next episode, s'il vous plait. Also, not so much with the obviousness, oui? Pimpernel is supposed to be clever. His identity is supposed to be a secret. In light of this, I believe he would take pains to make sure he is not recognized and that his followers do not yell out his real name in crowded streets, non?

Exactement.

All right, I shall cease tormenting you with my terrible French and my delirious rants. But seriously. Read the book. It's not exactly well-written, but it's a fun story. Which reminds me. I have The Three Musketeers on my shelf waiting to be read...

And Now For Something Completely Different (Part II)

2008-11-26T16:09:52Z

Since Mat asked - and since I'm awake, and all, after my stupid browser ate the first version - here is the second part of my charming story about the unicorns.

Fic in italics, spork, as ever, in bold.

When we stopped last time, Siobhan/Amelia (aka Sobby) had travelled through an interdimensional portal into another world (aka Auckland, New Zealand) to meet some new friends, Brian, his sister Annie/Emily and a uni-something called Silence. She also encountered some people supposedly from another alternate dimension, which is, as it happens, suspiciously like America. We now pick up where we left off...

“Well. My world, Unisama - “ There was a slight laugh from Sparrow at this, but he managed to turn it into a cough.

Two things:
1. You know it’s bad if even your characters think the name is laughable.
2. If I was self-aware enough to know it was stupid then, why didn’t I CHANGE IT?!

“- we have a dangerous situation. As you are now aware, magic exists, and we unisus, unicorns, pegasus’s and so forth, have the use of this magic, through our horns and wings and whatever.

*snorts* Oh yes, magical whatevers. I can see that a great deal of care and effort went into planning this story.

The situation is thus; An unknown force is draining our powers. Without our magic, we shall die, and the only magical world in the universe will become non-existent. “ She paused, as if waiting for shocked gasps, or some reaction, but as there was only a confused silence, she continued.

“My father, King Soundless Gold, told me a story, a prophecy, that has been passed down among our people, from long, long ago.....

King WTF?! ...is there such thing as NOISY Gold? Also, spare us the Obligatory Prophecy of Doom. Please.

Once, this land was whole, and undivided by good and evil. The animals lived in harmony, each accepting the other for what they were. But then came an intruder, a being of another world, from far far away. He was evil, and wished to slaughter unicorns and their fellow creatures, simply for use of their powers, for he was powerless himself - meaning that he did not possess the ultimate gift of harmony with the earth and spirits, the things that give you magic.

Crap. This is WORSE than a Prophecy of Doom D8

Doom I can handle. Sparkly-happy-butterfly-rainbow world not so much.

There was a terrible war, in which many of my kind were slain, but finally we defeated him. However, now he was not without power, for he had drained many, and he cursed our land - *I shall return, more powerful than ever! And upon my return to my homeland, you will be cursed!*

*bad Arnie impression* I’LL BE BACK!

Of course, that has never truly been believed, but recently, reports of similar incidents, even whole worlds destroyed, have been pouring in, and we know he is getting more and more powerful.

Wait – back up a second there. You just said he...died? Well, was defeated, anyway, which comes to the same thing with evil villains. So...how did he come back to life? Particularly if this is after hundreds of years...

So my people sent me to find five young magicians on earth, for this is the place where the strongest magic comes from. Alas, you were the only five I could get, un-tried and unaware of your abilities.”

There was a hush, as the five thought over her story.

Then they decided it made absolutely no sense (since when are they all from Earth? What happened to the different dimensions idea? Are they all alternative Earths, or what? I WANT TO KNOW, DAMMIT!) and went back home. The End.

No? Damn.

*snip* Arbitrary description of Sparry and Narada. They are complete opposites, and so of course Best Friends Forever. Add another tick to the Sparkly Cliches of Fantasy Checklist. Also, more short descriptions of Brian and Annie, who also look nothing alike, and are thus obviously related. Check and check.

“We cant just disappear!” She was protesting. Sparrow took sudden interest in the conversation.

“Disappear?” He said incredulously. “What?”

“Havent you been listening to a word I’ve been saying?” The unisus rounded on him.

“Nope.” Sparrow said calmly. “And I would like to know what you are talking about.”

The next time someone asks me if I’ve been listening to them, I am so totally saying that.

“Well, to help me, as your friends have agreed to, you must come with me to Unisama immediately.” Silence informed him, unperturbed. “You cannot, of course, tell your parents, but we may be gone a long time.”

“As I said, we cant do that. Think of how they’d feel if we just suddenly werent there!” Emily interrupted, and the two went back to their arguing.

Relieved? Ecstatic? Over the moon? I know I’d celebrate, if I could get rid of these Sues...

*snippety-snip*

“You could write a note.” Siobhan interjected quietly. The two fell silent, and all heads turned to her. She blushed, a deep pink staining her pale face. “You would not have to tell them anything.” She hastened to add. “But at least they would know you were not, I dont know, kidnapped or something.”

Kidnappers can write notes, honey.

They can also force kids to write them for them.

I know you’re from a different dimension, Sobby, but considering kidnapping seems to be a constant threat where you’re from, shouldn’t you know this? It really isn't that difficult...

Logic FAIL.

*snip snip*

They joined hands around Silence, and the unisus drew herself up, tracing a circle just in front of them with her golden horn to the floor. A glittering circle of silver was left, and she gestured imperiously. “Step inside.”

Siobhan stepped forward with the others, their circle becoming smaller. She was starting to feel afraid, small, lost and alone in this strange new world, with its crazy lights and impossibly tall buildings, but afraid as she was, she didnt fully trust this magic business.

You were perfectly happy to trust it when BRIAN was leading you through a MAGIC INTERDIMENSIONAL PORTAL, which happened to lead THROUGH A BRICK WALL and which you seem to have conveniently forgotten. Then again, I suppose you find Brian a lot more attractive and/or trustworthy than that...horsy...thing.

“Repeat after me....Esopxe eht rood.”

“Esopxe eht rood.” They repeated dutifully, and Siobhan’s closed-in feeling of dread grew stronger.

“Ewos yamdeecorp.” Silence continued in a sing-song voice.

“Ewos yamdeecorp.”

“Oteht fomlaer Unisama.” Silence finished, her voice rising to almost a shout.

*in hysterics* Lamest. Magic words. Ever.

When the last words were said, the room began to spin about them, as if a whirlwind had sprung up within the circle. Blackness closed in on them from all sides, and the room disappeared. They were whirling through darkness, still tightly linked together through shock and fear.

Siobhan’s heart beat wildly, seemingly up in her throat as the world lurched. No solid ground was beneath her, she was being carried through the air ..... to where?

Dun dun dun...God, I was overly fond of dramatic ellipses, wasn't I?

They land. They all fall down. Cue sparkly and melodramatic description of their new surroundings. I shall spare you from most of the details, but this I just had to share:

The light of day was just beginning to touch the grey atmosphere, a sliver of glowing, throbbing light, promising much, and delivering nothing.

That digging sound you hear is me. I think I can make it to China by morning if I try hard enough.

The group sat in astonished silence, then in awe, as the brilliant blaze of fire made its way up through the royal blue sky. It warmed them slowly, like the flaming furnace it was, and reflected on their upturned faces with a rosy, fiery glow.

“Wow.” Emily sighed quietly.

“Thats just what I was going to say.” Sparrow said, a hint of a grin tugging at his lips.

They felt somehow closer together, in the light of the rising sun, the five of them, even though they barely knew one another, sensed that they shared something different, something special.

*is ~~violently~~ violetly ill*

“Well, lets get going then.” Silence said briskly, breaking the spell. The five silently followed her through the forests that impended their arrival.

13-year-old-self? Honey...I don’t think that word means what you think it means.

Narada, noiselessly bringing up the rear, drew out his little wooden flute, and began to play, a soft, sweet melody, that echoed through the dim forest.

The others jumped and turned to see where the haunting tune had come from. The gentle aria floated around them, encircling them, telling of the waves on the sand, the birds, the trees, the earth, and the graceful arc of sunrise. It spoke of freedom, of happiness, joy and love, and the other four stood still and listened to the unearthly resonance of the wooden flute.

AAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHH! TEH SPARKLY! IT BURNS USSS, PRECIOUS! *runs around in circles, screaming and clawing at her eyes*

When he finished, there was a deep and ringing silence. It seemed that all the animals had stopped to listen in reverence. Then, in hushed voices, the group commended Narada on his beautiful tune. The dark-eyed boy just nodded, put the flute back in his pocket, and departed once again in the general direction in which they had been walking.

*snip* They arrive...somewhere.

The thick woods opened out into a large and beautiful clearing, full of lush lavender grass and many brilliant flowers. Siobhan blinked to make sure she was seeing correctly.

“Purple grass?” Emily said doubtfully, echoing everyone’s thoughts.

“Oh yes, we have many-coloured grasses.” Silence explained. “Greens in the forest, lavender for unisus herds, and lots more.”

Oh for...it’s never enough, is it? I just have to add that one – more – sparkle...

Brian raised his eyebrows impassively. “Well where is the unisus herd?” He pointed out.

Silence looked at him scornfully. “Up there of course.” She said, gesturing to a bank of pinkish clouds that hung over the trees looking like marshmallows on a toasting fork. Sure enough, a sudden figure emerged from the cotton-wool fluff, and flew down to land at their feet. It was taller than Silence, and stood upon slender limbs with an arched neck and elegant head. He regarded them with sharp black eyes and a regal stature, his coat black, and flecked with tiny streaks of gold, a long crystalline gold horn, and golden hooves which stood firmly upon the odd-coloured grass.

“This is my father, Soundless Gold.” Silence told the group.

Forget digging to China. Just bury me right here. The hole ought to be deep enough by now...

Abruptly, he turned to Silence. “Do they have the Stones?” He asked urgently. She looked startled. “I dont know!”

*giggles* The first time I reread this, my train of thought went something like this:

Stones? What stones? Wait...stones = cojones? = !#@!%*#!! = *dead*

It is rather unfortunate that this fits so well, because it leads to ... some rather awkward mental imagery later on.

*mini-snip*

Just then, a slightly smaller unisus drifted down out of the candy-floss cloud. Landing silently, it looked at them with steady black eyes, its coat rainbow colours and flashing and changing constantly.

*speechless*

Candy-floss.

Rainbows.

WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS?!

*snip*

Turns out it’s uni-whatsit’s boyfriend. I might have known.

“You, children.” The king addressed the group. “Do you have the Stones of Magic?” He seemed rather agitated.

“What Stones of Magic?” Brian asked, his voice a mixture of confusion and curiosity.

“What Stones? What Stones? Young man, you dont mean to tell me that you know nothing about such stones do you?!” The black unisus thundered, advancing menacingly.

No. Clearly he is attempting to convey the exact OPPOSITE impression. That’s why he’s asking you what stones you’re talking about and sounding all confused and curious. /sarcasm.

Also, see what I mean about AWK-WARD?

“And so what if he does not know what stones you are talking about? You said yourself that we were young and inexperienced.” Siobhan suddenly broke in, slightly mocking, but mostly polite. The others looked at her in astonishment, and Soundless Gold seemed taken aback.

“Well - well - thats to say - I - I did didnt I? Hmm...um....”

“She’s got you there dad.” Silence said with a sudden giggle. Chime, standing beside her, looked as if he was trying to stifle a laugh himself. Sparrow guffawed aloud.

The ebon steed snorted angrily, and stamped a midnight hoof on the ground with frustration.

Then he started to laugh heartily, and before long the rest joined in.
.
..wait. What the hell was so funny about that? I’m confused D8

Also: Ebon steed? Really?

“All right.” He said, sobering. “I’m sure the Queen can explain better than I can, hence I will fetch her - I am certain she would love to meet you. Wait a moment.....”

So the group waited impatiently while he flew back into the cloud and brought down a pretty, golden-palomino unisus. “Hello.” said the Queen softly. “I am Once is Forever, Queen of Unisama. Welcome to our lands.” The King stood proudly beside her.

“Now, I shall tell you the story of the Stones. It has a deeper meaning, so they say, but of all the many generations who have heard it, it has not yet been made apparent. The ancient legend goes like this;

Oh crap, not another one...Please be a prophecy of terrible and inescapable Doom! Please be a prophecy of terrible and inescapable Doom!

Once, many years ago, there was one supreme being, who held all power. The realms were at peace, and each had their place in society. Then one day, a stranger came upon the land of Unisama, a tall and beautiful mare, black as midnight. But, as the old saying goes, her beauty was only skin deep. She was wicked, and left trails of destruction in her wake. One fatal day, she came upon our great ruler, who was named Shantiya, and challenged her to a duel. The Queen did not wish to, but she was forced to when the black mare - by the name of Pandora - held one of her foals hostage. The fight was an unfair one. Although Shantiya held all true power, her opponent cheated, and an ebon heart was what the Queen had not.

Awkward sentence is awkward. Also, needs more Doom.

So Shantiya was defeated, but before her death she created five jewels, each holding one of her powers, and threw them out into space. Then, with her last breath, the valiant ruler bestowed the rest of her powers to her people, enraging Pandora, who then opened the chest and set evil free.....

+1 for the Greek Mythology reference. -1 billion for ... everything else.

But Shantiya was not completely destroyed, for on this planet those who are killed in this physical realm go on to become spirits in this same realm, unseen, unheard, and unfelt. It is possible for them to become solid beings, but not permanently, and it takes a lot of effort. Few manage it, for they have not the purpose to. It is rumoured that there is one spell that brings the dead to life, and we search for it forevermore.

Who wants to bet THAT’S going to be a major plot point later? The story is unfinished, so we’ll never know for sure, but I’d lay good odds that either (a) someone dies and appears to the rest in an angst-filled moment, probably after confessing or in order to confess his/her undying love, (b) someone dies and has to be resurrected, (c) the ghost of Shanty-face makes an appearance or (d) all of the above.

So is the legend of Shantiya, and her five Stones of Magic. ”

The Queen finished quietly. “We have found out over the years that the stones were distributed over Earth, your planet, and magicians had them. As is earth custom, they have been carved and hung on golden chains. One is emerald, of a horse - “

Siobhan made a sudden movement, as her hand flew to the necklace around her neck.

Oh brother. Three guesses who is the self-insert here. And the first two don’t count.

“ - which holds the power of talking to animals and being able to soothe them. The second, a ruby is in the shape of a fern, containing the power to heal any wound, on anyone.”

This time it was Emily who took hold of her own necklace with a gasp.

“Third, the sapphire, in the shape of a sun, which controls the power of telepathy and mind reading - but it cannot read the fellow stone-keeper’s minds.”

How convenient. Perhaps this is because none of them actually HAVE minds...

Sparrow twitched slightly, but said nothing as the Queen regarded him calmly.

“Then the amethyst, which has the power to read aura’s - it can tell from the colour how the person feels. Last, but not least, the mixture of gold and silver in the shape of an open book carries the power of knowledge and helps put together even the scantiest pieces of the puzzle.”

Narada and Brian nodded.

The Queen smiled. “I am pretty sure I know which of you has what, but please, we must see them.”

The king agreed eagerly. “Yes, please show us. Besides, I think you should all know who holds what power.”

The five obligingly took their stones from the various places, [S/N: More unfortunate mental images I could have lived without...] and showed them to the royal couple. Yet some mysterious impulse caused them to hold tight to the gems and not let go of them. Siobhan retained the sparkling emerald, which glowed in the light like a star, Emily held the scintillating ruby, Sparrow the sun-shaped sapphire, Narada the amethyst, and Brian the gold and silver book.

The Sparkle-o-Meter! It’s OVER NINE THOUSAND!!!!

I’m sorry *hangs head* I had to work that reference in somewhere.

*mini-snip*

Chime looked to Once is Forever, and respectfully expressed an idea. “Shall we carry them up to Unisama?” He asked. The honeyed unisus approved with an inclination of her elegant head, and he turned to the five, who were standing in courteous silence, their emblems back in their holdings.

...I beg your pardon?

“Who shall I take?” He prompted them. The five looked at each other questioningly. After some discussion, it was decided that Siobhan would go with Soundless Gold, Emily and Sparrow with Silence, Narada and Brian with Chime.

The unisus king grumbled loudly about being used like an plane, snorting in disgust as Siobhan got on. Siobhan asked what an plane was, causing some astonishment among her fellow magicians. The time this took to explain was quite lengthily, as those who had come from an modernised world described the plane and it’s uses, but finally, they were all mounted and ready to go.
.
...how does King WTF even know what a plane is to begin with? We’re in. Another. Dimension.

Also, there's that strange word, "lengthily" again...

Cue the requisite random change to first person. Sobby’s POV.

I nervously clutched Soundless Gold’s mane, trying not to look down. The cloud was surprisingly higher than it looked from below, so the flight was longer than I thought it would be.

Wow. A cloud is far above the ground. Who knew?

*snip*

Once we got in the air, it wasnt too bad though, and I relaxed - until I looked down. The earth was shrinking away beneath me at an alarming rate. That was definitely scary.

Wait...is she implying she was scared of looking down WHILE THEY WERE ON THE GROUND?

OMFG.

*dies laughing*

Also, does anyone else get the impression she’s scared? Just a vague feeling.

*snip*

They arrive on the cloud.

Below us stretched a luminous valley, covered with lucious grass, all a gentle lavender colour. Trees of all shapes and sizes grew around the resplendent abyss, covered in brilliant blossoms of red and yellow and blue. Sharp violets and glowing crimsons peeked out from between gleaming green leaves, completing the arrangement so that from above it looked like a rainbow. A shimmering waterfall cascaded down one vertical slope, splashing with a muffled booming sound into a clear pool of water. A ribbon-like stream wound its way through the valley, so crystal clear you could see right to the stony bottom. A multi-coloured unisus herd was visible by the lake, and majestic mountains frowned out of the distant blue mists.

Leaving aside the ultra-violet shade of that prose for the moment, and the fact that it is misspelled, WTF is “luscious” grass? What is it made of, sugar and spice and everything nice? ...actually, scratch that, I don’t want to know. I wouldn’t put anything past Mini-Me at this point.

*large snip*

Nothing of importance occurs, save that we find the grass is also “enchantingly soft” and that humans and uni-whatchamacallems have a Speshul Bond. Gag me with a spoon.

“You must stay the night with our herd, then be on your way at first light. We will have to fly you back down again, for only unisus’ know where the cloud-gate lies. The Old Ones can tell you what you need to know, and answer any questions you might have.” Soundless Gold told us seriously. “But I warn you, some speak only in rhyme, others speak in the language of the wind. You may not always understand them. Follow me.”

Those who are weak of stomach should heed this warning and turn back now: terrible, horrible, no good, very bad rhyming poetry lies ahead. BEWARE!

He led us to the lake, where the herd was drinking the pure waters. The booming of the waterfall grew louder as we approached, filling my head with a strange humming. I listened for a while, and could hear beautiful music coming from its depths. “The Aria Falls.” Soundless Gold explained frankly.

Sweet Zombie Jesus. Even the freaking WATERFALL is a Sue o_O

Random switch to Emily’s POV.

*snip*

The herd looked up as we came closer. When they saw their King they all bowed, which made me feel a bit funny. I saw Siobhan wince. I dont think she likes being a princess.

Dude! No reading the back-story while I’m not looking! You learn things you couldn’t possibly know otherwise, and make this story seem completely stupid...wait. Too late. As you were, then.

*snip*

The music of the waterfall was beginning to annoy me. “Isnt there anything you can do about the waterfall?” I complained to Silence.

“What do you want them to do? Turn it off?” Sparrow said sarcastically from beside her. I scowled at him, and he smirked. “No, there isnt anything we can do Emily. We just ignore it. Don’t worry, you’ll soon get used to it.” Silence said with a shrug. Sparrow reached out and scratched her cheek gently, and she tilted her head with her eyes closed. I was surprised at that, seeing they’d argued most of the time.

Sparry is clearly Emily (I thought her name was Annie? I think it was Annie in the other draft...stupid confusing name changes...can’t even keep up with my own story...*mutters*) – anyway, Sparry is clearly Em’s DLI. *checks couple-who-bicker-all-the-time-but-are-really-in-luv off her checklist*

*snip*

It was a long day. Silence and her friends found some fruit for us, and we climbed the trees and sat there eating it, looking out over the valley. The unisus called the fruits sudhaka. It means “mine of nectar”, according to them. They certainly were nice, and one could fill you up completely. Mine tasted almost like strawberries, except sweeter, and really juicy.

*resigned* Of course they were.

I sat on a long branch beside Siobhan, who was sandwiched between me and Brian. They were chattering on about horses, I think. Odd, seeing Brian doesnt talk much, and I dont think Siobhan does either. Perhaps it just takes the right subject.

Subtle as an anvil, wasn’t I?

I sat there, swinging my legs aimlessly, content after eating my fill. Sparrow dropped down onto the branch beside me, making it bounce. I almost fell off, and grabbed the branch above me tightly, yelling. “Be careful for goodness sake! You could have broken it!” He blinked his blue-grey eyes innocently at me, and I scowled.

“Sorry.” He said.

I looked on in shock. Apoligizing? Sparrow? I must have been hearing things. “What did you say?”

"Dont make me have to repeat it!” He grumbled, sounding more like the Sparrow I’d gotten used to.

Did I say anvil? Try AVALANCHE. With a herald of trumpets and choirs of angels, just in case you happen to miss it coming. Also, how the hell did you "get used to" him so quickly? You've known him for less than a day -_-

“I think that fruit must have affected your brain.” I said wisely.

...that’s not the fruit, honey. It’s the massive internal haemorrhaging caused by this fic.

Switch to Brian’s POV.

We climbed down from the tree, and went with Soundless Gold to where the Old Ones were waiting. Five faded unisus stood there, their eyes kind and wise.

“We the Old Ones, as they say,
We’ll help your quest in any way,
We welcome you to our realm, friends,
And that you can make your kind’s amends.”

Two said in unison.

OH GODS NO. I’LL DO ANYTHING. PLEASE. I HAVE A DOG! SHE NEEDS ME! HAVE MERCY!

*whimpers*

*pretty snippy is pretty*

“Tell us what you wish to know,
We’ll do our best, no promise though.”

MAKE IT STOP! I’LL TELL YOU EVERYTHING! JUST MAKE IT STOP!

I swallowed hard, hoping someone else would volunteer a question, but nobody did. I was about to say something, when Siobhan spoke up.

“C-could you tell us why we’re here?” She queried, blushing. I glanced at her in surprise. That was exactly what I was going to ask.

*is buried under an avalanche of anvils. Somewhere on high, a choir of angels is singing*

“Hasnt anyone told you yet?!’ A sparkling white unisus said with obvious disapproval. “Hmph. Well, I’m Snow-Blossom. This is Shyama - “ She flapped a wing towards the black-and-grey unisus beside her. “Nemesis,” A slightly faded firey chestnut unisus with black flecks bowed his head when she said his name. “Huriyyah (Angel),” A gold-and-silver patched female, one of the ones who spoke in rhyme. “And Anwar, or Light Rays.” The spirited turquoise stallion reared, younger than the rest, his large wings silver.

I am honestly, literally in tears now. I just don’t know if it’s because I’m laughing so hard I’ve started to cry, or if it’s because this much sparkly in my eyes is so freaking PAINFUL.

“Well child, why you are here - that is up to you alone. I gather you have already been told about the power draining.” She looked at us all sharply, and we nodded. “This is all part of the reason you are here. This world is unbalanced, good and evil no longer exist together in harmony like they have for many years. Our power is our life-blood. Our only way of existence. With no power, we will die. The center of power has been disturbed. Although we no longer have one sole holder of power, the magic on this world has been suspended in equilibrium by a force. No-one knows what it is, exactly, but it’s center is the Fountain of Life, which presides over the great Mount Olympus. A waterfall cascades down this mountain from the geyser, and it - it has run dry.”

So, basically, their batteries ran out. You have to plug them back in to the wall socket or they will shut down prematurely and lose all your unsaved work – wait. My bad. That’s just my laptop.

Note to self: try not to rip off Greek Mythology so much.

She paused to take a deep breath, and Huriyyah piped up.

"Life’s fountain has run dry, m’lad,
And this alone is very bad,
But subtract our power-force, add the threat,
A miracle he has not killed us yet,
No unisus, despite our wings,
Can get up the mountain of all things,
For flight is forbidden, we cannot climb,
And the purpose of this little rhyme,
You, and your companions might,
Where we have failed despite our flight,
Crest the mount that holds the fount,
Succeed, and the impossible surmount.”

MY DOGGIE! THINK OF THE PUPPY, I IMPLORE YOU! MERCY!

In other news, if you need me, I’ll be out back committing hari kari with a butter knife.

Emily looked at Huriyyah. “You mean we have to climb up to the Fountain of Life?” She questioned anxiously, looking at the towering mountain in the foggy distance. The flaxen, silvery mare nodded, her black eyes solemn.

“T’is true indeed, alas, alack,
Many have gone, and never come back.”

We’re going to Candy Mountain, Charlie! Come with us, Charlie! It’s a land of joy and joyness...and sweet sugary goodness...You have to come with us to Candy Mountain!

Yes, it is disturbing how much I want them to *actually* go to Candy Mountain and have their kidneys stolen. Or just, you know, die altogether. I’m not fussy, really.

Sparrow frowned, his gaze on the menacing sillhouette that broke even through the cloud of Unisama. “Climb that?”

And this is where it ends. How sad.

*hitches a lift on a passing spacecraft* I think I’d rather take my chances with the Vogons.

I hope you enjoyed my agonizing little journey down memory lane. I sure as hell had fun XD

Stop violence against women! Attack men instead!

2008-11-19T07:28:14Z

Honestly, there are some days when I just want to kick people in the shins and tell them to stop being so goddamn stupid.

I get it, OK? Domestic violence is a big problem, and not just in New Zealand. It would be wonderful if we could stop it. Rape, assault, murder...all of these violent things are terrible and in an ideal world would not exist.

But come on. "MATE! STAND UP AND SHOW YOU'RE AGAINST VIOLENCE TOWARDS WOMEN" =/= a good slogan for an anti-domestic violence ad.

It...just...EURGH.

1. Why is this directed towards men? Yes, male violence towards women is more frequent than the other way around, but that still happens. Classifying domestic violence as male-to-female violence is stupid and adds to the pressures which prevent male victims from speaking out, since it sends the implied message that being abused in a relationship is "feminine," "weak" and/or "girly." While I think the association of femininity with weakness is a load of bullshit, I don't make the culture.

2. This. Is not. A fucking MACHO contest. It should not be addressed to one segment of the population or the other. IT IS A PROBLEM FOR EVERYONE. Narrowing it down like this sends the wrong message. While I appreciate that they're trying to emphasize that a Real Man doesn't use violence, the message would be more effective if they just came right out and said it. Or do men go around bragging to each other that they don't hit their wives/gfs/significant others?

3. It also perpetuates the stereotype of the helpless woman needing men to agree not to hurt her/to protect her/whatever. Once again, we're relegated to the passive non-combatants position. FUCK THAT, I say. I don't need to be protected, I need to be respected. There's a difference, and the sooner people learn that and start spreading the *right* message - namely, to respect others - then the sooner they might start actually making a difference.

4. And one last thing. This may be just a personal thing, but I HATE the word "mate" when it's used by someone I've never met, OK? I don't care if I'm not your target demographic, I have to read it and it pisses me off, and it's so bloody condescending! The buddy-buddy approach = fail. Try something new before I lose my mind.

Note to self: try to ignore posters in the library in future.

And Now For Something Completely Different (Part I)

2008-11-14T13:49:54Z

I've just hit 45k and I'm taking a break from my novel to spork a very old, very funny and very sparkly original novel of mine written some 8 years ago (I was 13, FYI). It was based, if I recall correctly, on the tween series known as Diadem, the premise of which was, oddly enough, a bunch of different teens from different worlds who are called together to save the multiverse via some magical gems. Unlike my "novel," Diadem was actually good and made a lot of sense. Except for the talking unicorns. Them, not so much.

Anyway. On to the spork!

On the small island of Radhavan, far from most other islands, the sun was just rising. Light was creeping stealthily over the watery horizon, bathing the lone city, Vadava, with a golden glow.

The light from a thousand Sparkly!Sues!

The village was small, with its quaint stone cottages, its cobbled paths, and its imposing castle. The meagre gardens all flourished with blossoms, swirling with the yellows, pinks, and golds of the sunrise. In the square, there stood in the middle a tall fountain, and a statue of a horse and rider. The market-people were awake, and bustling around, setting up for a day of selling their wares.

Meagre? I don't think that word means what you think it means.

[snip]

Behind the castle, there was a large stable, to house the soldiers mounts. All of them were military horses, except one. This mare was tall, elegant, and a rare blue-black sheen. Her lengthy tail fell in ripples to the ground, and her coat shone with good health. A small sickle moon blaze gleamed white on her forehead.

Yes, I even managed to Sue-ify a horse *facepalm*

Inside her stall with her, stood a young girl, around thirteen years of age. Her hair was waist-length, as black as her horse, and her pretty lavender eyes were filled with tears as she hugged the mare’s neck. She stroked the horse’s nose softly. “Good girl, Enchante.” She murmured.

Witness here in her native habitat, Mary Sue #9653872, the lavender-eyed, black-haired, animal-loving beauty. She comes in many shapes and sizes, but is always, mysteriously, the same age as the author...

[snip]

The Sue's name is Siobhan (I shall call her Sobby), although in an earlier version it was Amelia. I think both are about equal in the Sickeningly Sueish Names competition...at least when paired with an insane last name like Vadavin.

Don't. Even. Ask.

Anyway, Sobby is (naturally) a princess. And like 99% of all Princess!Sues, she is much put-upon and forced to wear dresses and look pretty and do princessy things.

Can I just mention here how much easier my life would be if all I had to do was wear dresses and smile at people?

[Siobhan] slipped out of the casual violet dress she had been wearing, and into the white and gold dress her mother had advised. She fingered the soft material for a second, thinking about her father, who had given it to her before he had disappeared. Tears gathered in her eyes again, as she wondered where he was.

Ooh! A Plot Point! But don't bother to take notes, people, you'll never hear about her father again. Also, emo!Sue is emo.

She brushed [the tears] away angrily, and pulled the dress on. Extracting her long dark hair from the back of the dress, she struggled with the stays, until finally she had it done up. Then she brushed her hair, and called for Mary, the servant girl, who was really her friend.
Mary came in quickly, her round, simple face smiling broadly. She curtsied, laughing like she always did, and walked with her characteristic quick gait over to give the Princess a friendly hug. “You were wanting something, ma’am? “ She joked, pushing a strand of mousy brown hair out of her sparkling brown eyes.

Siobhan smiled at her, returning the hug. “Would you do my hair, please?” She asked her friend. “I cant reach properly, and mother wants me to have it up in a ‘traditional’ plaited bun.” She laughed along with Mary.

ARGH! STOP WITH THE SPARKLING ALREADY! And that's not funny. Really. WTF is funny about a plaited bun? 13-year-old self, you confuse me.

[snip]

Mary is a good little Sue-ish servant girl, and does Her Highness's hair up. Then we meet another Princess (joy of joys):

A little girl, with glowing red cheeks, a wide smile, sparkling hazel eyes and lengthily auburn curls was at the door. “Its time to go Siobhan!” The little girl exclaimed breathlessly. Siobhan sighed, and got up, pulling on her golden slippers. “Tell Mother I’ll be there in a minute Lillian.” She told her sister.

Run! It's Mini-Sue! They're half the size of normal Sues, and twice as deadly!

“Okay!” Lillian said cheerfully, and ran back downstairs. Siobhan looked out the window once again. Darkness was stealing softly over the horizon now, and the clouds were tinged with a delicate pink, as the sun slowly sank towards the sea. Stars were beginning to appear, sparkling brightly in the twilight. Siobhan turned away, and walked down the stairs with the air of a prisoner facing execution.

OK, this is going too far. I've even Sue-ified the frigging UNIVERSE.

WHY. IS. EVERYTHING. SO. SPARKLY? WHHYYYY?!

[snip]

We meet the Queen Sue, whose name is Angelique in this version but who possessed the unfortunate moniker of "Queen Priscilla" in an earlier edition.

Yay for unexpected and funny pop culture references!

[more snippage]

They get in the carriage and head for the festival. Emo!Sue laments that people will be OMGFRIENDLY!!1!1! to her. I mean it. THIS is what she finds distressing. Meanwhile, I consider shooting myself in the head.

Siobhan reluctantly got up, and exited the carriage. As she alighted on the ground, she was roughly jostled by a boy, about a year older than her, with tousled brown hair and smiling hazel eyes. She was about to say something, when he slipped a note into her hand and melted back into the crowd.

Ooh, more plottage. How exciting *yawns* Also, you can tell he's going to be a main character, because he gets a Sue-ish description too!

[snip]

Boring dinner is boring. The younger guests at this "festival" (which seems more like a random banquet) leave to go outside, even though it is clearly about to rain and they are inside a perfectly huge castle...because I said so.

No, honestly. See:

“It’s time to go outside.” Siobhan said in a low voice. They stood up, and Siobhan took her sister’s hand, leading her through the lofty doorway and into the night beyond.

Outside the hall it was cold, and a biting wind whipped at their dresses. The sky was black, and within minutes, rain began to fall in large, hard droplets. Huge rolls of thunder boomed over them, echoing and re-echoing in their ears. Siobhan put an arm around Lillian, and the ran together towards the sheltered edge of the hall.

They crouched there with the other children, shivering, as lightning flashed through the sky.

Yep. Not enough sense to get out of the rain. They're Sues all right XD

Suddenly Siobhan remembered the note. Her hand flew to her mouth and she gasped. Her mind raced.

Erm. What is so gosh-darned exciting about a note you haven't even READ yet, Sobby? Also, I'd run after that mind of yours if I were you. You may need it.

It's about this point that I start considering changing my name and moving to Mongolia. Or possibly Siberia. Actually, I don't think even the MOON is far enough to run from this monstrosity. And just in case you don't think it's really that bad? Take a look:

"Stay here, Lillian, I’ll be back in a minute.” She said tersely, and dashed out into the rain. She could hear the others calling her, telling her to come back, but she ignored them and kept running.

Her wet skirt flapped around her, making it hard to run very fast, but after a time, she reached the carriage, and stooped down to shift the stone. She pulled out the note, which was muddied and torn, and unfolded it. It was unreadable.

Sobby gets all excited, runs out into the rain for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON (no, it has not been snipped - it doesn't exist), and gets so completely soaked that the note in her pocket becomes illegible. Naturally ONLY THEN does she stop to read it. Mhm. But it gets worse.

[snippage]

She felt a tap on her shoulder, and whirled in astonishment and fright. behind her stood a tall boy, soaking wet. It was the boy who had given her the note. “Who are you?” Siobhan asked through the rain, becoming aware that she, too, was soaking.

Let's just run through that again. Sobby knows there is a storm. Sobby runs out into the storm. Sobby runs through the rain for no apparent reason, her wet skirt flapping around her, gets so soaking wet that the note in her pocket is illegible, and she ONLY NOW realizes she is actually wet. And she seems so surprised about it, too...

Dear 13-year-old Self,
You fail.
Love,
21-year-old Self.

[snip]

Someone is out for Sobby's blood. I root for them with great enthusiasm.

Four mounted soldiers rode forth out of the night, each holding lances, with swords strapped around their waists and shields on their arms. The leader halted his horse in front of the two, and leered down at Siobhan. “You’re coming with us, Princess.” He said coldly, dismounting and walking towards her.

Siobhan glared at him, and stood tall, her jaw clenched and her eyes like chips of ice. “And who are you, may I ask?” She said, her voice calm and haughty.

*laughs helplessly* Oh, Sobby, you're gonna be the death of me.

The man laughed harshly, and held up his shield, showing the girl the coat of arms that was engraved in it. Siobhan stared at the picture of a griffin breathing fire. This was the symbol of Radhavan’s enemy, who lived on the only nearby island, Sauban.

“I am the Kings Guard. Captain, and proud of it.” The man said, his mouth twisting in a sneering smirk.

Siobhan’s face was pale, but angry. “If you think I am just going to come with you, you are wrong.” she said defiantly.

How nice. Now that we're all introduced, you can ask him round for tea and crumpets on Tuesday /sarcasm.

You know, Sobby, instead of standing there talking to the captain of your enemy's guard, who has apparently come to kidnap/kill you (~~kill her, kill her, kill her!~~), it might be wise to think about, oh, I don't know, RUNNING AWAY.

The captain rolled his eyes. “Oh but you will.” He said, his voice softly menacing. The soldiers behind him closed in slowly, bit by bit, spears raised threateningly.

~~(kill her, kill her, kill her!)~~

Brian, who had been watching this from a little farther away, suddenly darted forward. He ran straight into the reins, which the captain was holding, and dragged them out of the surprised man’s hands. Quickly, the boy vaulted onto the horse, flipping the reins over the terrified stallion’s head. The horse reared, but Brian hung on and ignored it, beckoning to Siobhan to hurry as he urged the stallion forward.

...I think that may be physically impossible. Not to mention, you know, what exactly is wrong with my original plan of RUNNING AWAY?

[snip]

They lose The Incompetent Guards (~~sadly~~) and escape. Sobby does some horse whispering voodoo on the scared horse, which is a stallion and yet, Somehow, he is magically docile enough to be ridden by pair of a 13-year-old children.

Yes. Can you tell I was in the middle of my Equine Obsession Phase at the time?

And then! Teh Dramaz!

“This is a dead end!” Siobhan shouted, but the wind ripped her words away.

They were trotting towards a brick wall! And yet Brian didnt seem to be worried in the least. Siobhan shrugged, biting her lip uncertainly.

Two things:

1. ZOMG, they're TROTTING. They're going so fast they cant possibly stop in time... /sarcasm.
2. Sobby is headed towards a brick wall, on the back of a horse over which she has no control. And she SHRUGS?

Maybe she has a death wish *hopes*

Siobhan clucked encouragingly to the horse. “Come on, fo’ard now, fo’ard.....thats it, go on now.” She had no idea why Brian wanted to walk into a brick wall, but she could hear the hooves of the soldiers pounding down the road behind them.

...I think that pretty much sporks itself, actually.

Sure enough, a shout cut through the air; “There they are men! Get them! Thieves!” It was the de-horsed captain.

I had to keep that, just for the "de-horsed" part *chortles*

[mini-snip]

A strange tingling feeling swept over Siobhan. She shifted nervously, looking over Brian shoulder to see what was happening - and almost screamed. The once-solid brick wall was shimmering, dissolving into a black, gaping hole, a rip in space and time.....

Dun dun dun...

The captain raced over to them, before the hole was large enough to escape through. “Thought you could get away from me, eh? Did ya? Lousy thieves.”

Siobhan was not having this, however. She slid off the stallions back and put her hands on her hips, her lavender eyes flashing angrily. “Oh really? Thieves are we? Well you are a lot worse - you would have kidnapped me!” She glared at him venomously, through slitted eyes. Two spots of colour appeared on her cheeks as she continued. “You are not worthy of the rank you hold! A character like you would most likely have established the honour by trickery, bribery, and cheating.”

*is laughing so hard she's crying now*

[snip]

They willingly walk straight into a tear in the space-time continuum. As you do.

The wall closed behind them silently, leaving them trotting forward in absolute darkness. The stallion whinnied, but kept moving forward warily. The silence was smothering, dampening every sound, muffling even the whinny of the horse beneath them. Siobhan stretched out a hand to the side of her. She had hardly reached out when her hand hit something rocky and jagged, barely a foot away from them.

..aaand the tear in space and time is in fact an ordinary secret passage that just happens to link up two different universes.

I have no idea either.

[more snippage]

The stallion bucks them off (~~I like this horse...~~) and they fall into nothingness.

Cue a pathetic attempt at comic relief:

“It rather strikes me that we have been falling for a remarkably long time.” Siobhan said with a little bit of a laugh in her voice, into the darkness as she fell.

“I agree.” Brian answered dryly from somewhere to her left.

Yes. That is rather like something I would probably say IRL. You know, if the laws of physics were suddenly repealed and such an event actually happened to me. But...that's not me. Sobby should be terrified, if she had half a brain. Fail.

[small snip]

They emerge:

“Where are we?” she asked timidly, turning to Brian, who was pulling bits of grass out of his thick brown hair.

“Auckland, of course!” Brian answered, seeming astonished that she didnt know.

Mhm. Because all interdimensional portals end up in Auckland, New Zealand. What, you didn't know that?

[more snippage]

“There are sharp reefs and hidden rocks all around our island, and that of the island next to it.” She explained. “No-one can get through them.”

Then how the fuck did you get there? Did you evolve there? Do you have wings?

[snip]

We meet Brian's sister, Emily, who Somehow, magically knows Sobby's name.

Siobhan stepped into the house, rather taken aback by this out-going, mischievous girl. She had never met anyone yet that spoke their mind in her presence (Much to her annoyance - she preferred to know what people really thought.), and here was someone her own age that said what they meant. She rather liked it. Quite a change from the usual shy girls, for even Mary was forbidden to speak plainly in her presence.

*gags violently* Spare us the sparkly angst and woe! Have mercy!

[mini-snip]

Beside the table stood a tall, pure white horse. Siobhan glanced at it then looked away, taking in the details of the room. Then she realised what she had seen. She did a double-take.

You'd think this was because there was a horse inside the house, right? Wrong. Sobby is, apparently, quite used to beings of the equine persuasion sharing her living quarters. Instead, Sobby is taken aback because:

This was no usual horse. Two wings of blazing, glittering gold were folded against its side, and a long, sharp-looking horn protruded from its forehead, parting the golden forelock.

The long, streaming mane and tail were also of the finest gold.

...*dies and is dead*

Oh yes, and did I mention it speaks?

The what-ever-it-was stepped forward. “Welcome, Siobhan, Brian. I am Eternal Silence, daughter of Soundless Gold and Once is Forever, King and Queen of Unisama. You may call me Silence.” She bowed her head regally.

I have an overwhelming desire to scratch my eyes out with a spoon.

“I am a unisus, one of the most endangered on my world. There is great panic among our subjects, for a spell has been cast to drain our magic. Without our magic, we will die.”

Oh hai, random exposition. Fancy meeting you here.

Also: unisus? UNISUS?

Forget the spoon. I'm going to gouge out my eyes WITH MY BARE HANDS.

[brief snip]

Arrogant Princess!Uniwhatsit is arrogant. She also reveals a Shocking Secret:

“Silence tells us we are magicians.” He said, with a sidelong glance at the unisus.

Silence stomped a gold hoof. “And you are.” She said sharply. “You may insist on disbelieving me, but that is the truth. Did you not just go through the wizards passage, to get to another island, far away?”

Dude. You were IN. ANOTHER. WORLD. You are face to face with a TALKING HORSE WITH WINGS. And a horn. In your freaking LIVING ROOM.

I really don't think that magic is that much of a stretch at this point, do you? ~~Although there's always the possibility that you've lost what little was left of your mind...~~

[snip]

Princess Stick-up-her-horsy-butt (~~ooh, bad flashbacks >.<~~) goes to fetch "the others." We are treated to a couple of paragraphs about Emily lending Sobby some of her clothes.

Siobhan stood there in astonishment for a moment, then shrugged and looked at the pants she had been thrown. They were made out of a hard, stiff blue material. She frowned, toying with it for a moment, then shrugged, and pulled them on under her dress. But when she went to do them up, she was puzzled. She had never seen a zip before, nor buttons, and it was a while before she figured it out, but eventually she was dressed.

Of course, she magically knows what they're called...

[snip]

And the obligatory paragraph of Sue-ish description:

She wasnt terribly tall, and quite slim, with waist-length black waves that made her pale skin stand out. Her soft lavender eyes were looking shyly at the floor, and her cheeks were touched with a pale, delicate pink.

She looked rather out of place in Emilys clothes, her whole bearing and appearance very medieval. Emily, by contrast, was tall and sturdy, though not at all fat, with tanned skin and sparkling blue eyes. Her curly blond hair could never be tamed, so usually frizzed in a wild array, no matter what she did. ‘Rather like Emily herself.’ Brian thought, with brotherly affection. ‘Scatterbrained and impetuous.’

*weeps for dictionaries everywhere*

[mini-snip]

The Uni-whatsit comes back. Apparently, only Sobby had the honour of being collected by Brian, who is clearly her Designated Love Interest - the Uni-whatsit picks up everyone else herself, and does it very quickly too.

She arrives with two individuals who are supposed to be from another world. Except...erm...

The two slipped off. The tall, red-headed boy spoke first. “Where are we?” He said, with an American accent. “What’s going on?”

You should know where you are and what’s going on! I’ve told you three or four times!” Silence exploded, stamping her hoof.

Uh. Just FYI, Americans? You're now inhabiting your own alternate dimension/universe.

The new arrivals are named Sparrow and Narada. I think I ripped off Sparrow from some fantasy novel I was reading at the time. I have no idea where Narada came from.

Anyway, I'm about half way through and it's getting really late, so I should probably stop. I want to get to 50k before I go to sleep, but it's just about 3am *yawns* I'll spork the rest tomorrow or some other time.

So good, it's gotta be badfic.

2008-10-14T11:56:02Z

Today I turned in my final assignments for the year. To celebrate, I thought I would trawl the Stargate SG-1 section of fanfiction.net and find something juicy to snark on.

We all know by now how this sort of thing inevitably ends, but I thought I'd seen the worst they could do. I thought I was prepared.

It started, innocuously enough, with a summary.

Title: Transitions: The Next Ten Months
Summary: As the Jackson-O'Neills continue to settle in to their new life outside of the SGC, something surprising happens!

Upon reading this summary, I made certain assumptions. Actually, my first reaction was: Jackson-O'Neills? WTF? ...Wait. Hyphenated names belonging to both of my favourite (male) characters + story with "months" in the title + "surprise" = OH SHIT NO. It's mPreg, isn't it?

But of course, I couldn't resist. I know, I know. I was totally going DanielandJackaregoingtohaveababyarenttheyohgodkillmenow as I did it, but I clicked on the link.

Now that I have, I really kinda wish this had been an ordinary mPreg. Because apparently, in this AU/future-fic, Jack & Daniel are married. And have triplets. And a phantom could-be daughter Jennifer they feel is “missing” from their lives because of some weird stuff that went down on another planet in an alternate universe somewhere.

Look, I don’t know either, OK? Seriously. The worst thing is, it’s actually quite well-written and the author takes pains to ensure that triplets are ‘conceived’ through technology that seems more or less plausible. There are even some glimpses of canon. But in a way that just makes it more painful, because...it’s just...they're all...*flails madly* I’ll let you see for yourselves.

Sporking in bold.

“Gawd, Jack, I love you. Need you so much.”

“I know exactly what you mean. Geez, Danny, what you do to me. You make me crazy with want. Love you to the moon and beyond.”

This. Is not. Jack. O’Neill. Jack O’Neill would die before uttering those words to anyone. Unless this is actually Jack O’Neil, with one ‘l.’ /fandom in-joke.

“We'll be the perfect symbol of Americana and family.” The archaeologist shook his head and chuckled in mock pity. “We'll have to get a freakin' van.”

Firstly: Who are you and what have you done with Daniel Jackson? Secondly: I'm sorry - two gay men and three artificially conceived babies = Teh Perfect Symbol of Americana & Family now? Not that I have anything against it, but some people are sure as hell going to be surprised...

Christa leered at her husband. The two had had a long and happy life together, including their years in Colorado Springs as Jack's and Daniel's neighbors across the street. When they had gone for a visit, it had been Daniel who answered the door, and it hadn't taken them long to figure out that it was Daniel who had captured Jack's heart, and vice versa. Fortunately, their words of wisdom convinced the lovers to work out their latest disagreement, and since that day, they'd all become wonderful friends.

Sweet! They have such accepting neighbours :)

[in the next chapter]

The two rambled on like typical besotted parents as Tracey listened to them, smiling at their obvious joy.

...and co-workers. Heh.

[later, same chapter]

Sam's smiled broadened as she picked up Aislinn.

“Hey, there. How ya doing, Aislinn?” Sam placed a kiss on her cheek. “She's so precious. They all are,” she spoke, looking at Jonny and Michael, still in the stroller. “Let's go,” Sam beamed, carrying Aislinn out as they walked down the hallway.

OK, um...this is getting a little creepy now, actually.

[and even later, third chapter]

As she stood with her friend, Jack, Molly felt blessed to having such wonderful people in her life.

Dude. You can stop now. Really.

[except that they don't]

“We have three beautiful, healthy babies that we both brought into this world. There's nothing more we need to know ... except for that.”

Kayla's admiration for the two men grew even more as she listened. They were unique in her book, and she was happy she had agreed to be their surrogate.

Holy shit, now I understand. EVERYONE IN THIS STORY IS A SUE. Either that, or those little triplets have some serious voodoo thing going on. It's like everyone who comes into contact with them automatically warps into some gooey, slushy mess o_O

[but wait! There's more!]

After a while, he put her back in the crib, and for a few moments, he marveled at the blessings that were his children. He returned to the master bedroom, but didn't get back into bed. Instead, he watched Jack for a few minutes, just enjoying the view of the man he loved, and then he went out onto the roof deck and walked over to the railing, his arms crossed as he looked out at the sky.

After a few minutes, Daniel felt the strong hands he loved so much on his sides, and then the warm, protective arms of his husband pulling him close as they enveloped him.

“Gawd, I love you,” Daniel said as he leaned back into the hold.

I can't take this anymore. WE GET IT. They’re blissfully happy in their cute little domestic ~~hellhole~~ nest, with their adorable ~~demon spawn~~ miracle children and their fantastic cars, and everybody and his dog thinks they’re wonderful. The sappiness! It clings to me! It smothers me in sweetness and shininess and happiness and rainbows! FOR PITY'S SAKE, MAKE IT STOP!

*tears out her eyes with her bare hands*

I'm happy to read good slash-fic on occasion (although I must say I think this particular pairing would take some doing to get right), but I swear to god, that fic? That must be what hell is like. Everything is so perfect, and yet...so wrong DX

So I took the liberty of revising the ending for the author:

General Jack O'Neill woke with a start to find himself staring at the ceiling of his home. He had been dreaming - it was more like a nightmare, actually. Something about him and Daniel being married, and having triplets? The General gave his head a sharp shake, and repressed a shudder.

Perhaps Carter was right, and there really was such thing as too much cake. He eyed the empty plate on his bedside cabinet with suspicion, then carefully picked it up by the edge and dropped it neatly into the waste paper bin. He really did not need to have dreams like that again. Ever.

Why Does Nobody See the Squick But Me?

2008-09-22T13:02:06Z

OK, this is going to be a fairly difficult critique, because in this case I really did enjoy the movie. Honest. But at the same time, I found it disturbing on so many levels.

The first thing I take issue with is the romance. More precisely, the age difference involved. On the one hand, I have in the past found enduring romance (i.e. "I loved you since you were a child" romance) to be rather sweet (generally, I must add, because both parties were young/children at the same time), or at the very least acceptable given social conventions of the time. Witness Mr. Knightley and Emma, for example, who (thanks partly to Jeremy Northam & Gwyneth Paltrow, I must admit) remain one of my favourite literary couples of all time. But still, there are some occasions on which I find the squick level just too much. Memoirs was one of them. She can't be more than ten or eleven, for god's sake - and he's gotta be over thirty when they meet (not that he appears to age at all throughout the film). I don't know if it's that way in the books, but still. That is just...not healthy. And, in his case, bordering on pedophilia.

I am willing to make some concessions with regards to cultural norms (but it still squicks me), period morality (still squicks me) and the fact that sometimes life goes that way (yes, still squicked). Only...that plus the underlying premise...I mean, ew. Just, ew. As an immortal badfic!sporker once said, it hurts me in the feminism.

And no, surprisingly, I'm not talking about the whole geisha thing, though goodness knows that was objectifying and demeaning enough. It was kind of expected, what with the title and all, you know? And I don't have much of a problem with prostitutes/courtesans/whatever either. I am fully ready to accept them (in fiction) as a necessary part of the mileu/story/plot/whatever. No, what I did have a problem with was the whole theme. I mean really. It could only have been written by a man. She spends her entire life pining for some guy she's barely said two words to, all because he was nice to her when she was a kid? PUH-LEASE. Even back in the Dark Ages, aka as the 1940s, surely, surely girls got over their first silly little crushes in the same way that we do now? Surely this has been occurring since the dawn of time? I do not, for example, still nurse secret feelings for my uberly cool maths teacher that I had a crush on back in Intermediate School. It - just - ugh. Does nobody even see how stupid and illogical that is? I mean, yes, maybe it happens sometimes, but then -- how the fuck is it supposed to work out, even after [SERIOUS AND TOTALLY UNEXPECTED SPOILER] they get together at the end? Sure, she's supposed to have spent a little time with him, and his friend, but (judging from the film only, I must admit) it seemed to me that they hardly ever saw each other. You're trying to make me believe that this is Love with a capital L? Love that is so epic, not even the stupid and totally cliched plot twist designed to drive them apart for good could stop it?

I am not falling for that one. I know, I'm turning into my mother, but these people barely know each other. Every time he's seen her, except when she was a little girl (EW EW EW, btw), she has been, by her own admission, a moving piece of art. How's that for a fucked up way to start a relationship? He has an entire family she knows nothing about. He leaves for ages and only comes back for short periods of time. They don't even live together or anything. I mean, Christ on a Stick. So much suspension of disbelief required for the plot to fly...not to mention it's all about the MAN. I love men, honestly, but this story was so much about the fricking love interest even though the MC was a woman that I wanted to hit someone. Plus, she was like, the ULTIMATE Mary-Sue - a legenday geisha, despite having learned late, pwning her rivals at everything, sweet and good and innocent and an ORPHAN to boot...

I know things were probably (are probably?) like this sometimes - perhaps even often. I know that her being a geisha stopped them from being together, blah blah, and that women were/are prevented from having their own desires, their own lives in this way. I am passionately angry and sad about this (yes, some were in all likelihood very happy, I get it, but I still think it sounds like a shitty life). I know I'm supposed to see her devotion to The Hero as romantic. And maybe I'm just super-cynical today. Not enough sleep can do that to you. But come on. How is this different from the warped and ultimately destructive love of Maggie and the Guy in the Dress (private joke, sorry) in Thornbirds? In origin, I mean. The stories were obviously quite different. Oh, how I wish I could have copied down my mother's commentary on that movie. I was honestly laughing so hard tears ran down my face. I will never look at a priest in quite the same way again...

But I digress.

The fact of the matter is that, for whatever reason, the romance just didn't fly for me. Possibly because I was too busy going - "BUT SHE WAS A FREAKING CHILD!" - in my head to see it as the Epic Love it was intended to be. Possibly also because I'm in a shitty mood and just wanted to take out my disgust with life out on the nearest possible object. Whatever.

Overall Rating: 6/10

Because in spite of all that, I kind of liked it. The atmosphere was excellent, the culture interesting, the plot - in spite of the squick - rather compelling. And some of the cinematography was absolutely stunning. A good *movie*, but perhaps not a good *story*. Still worth a watch.

Guard your flock, indeed... (OT)

2008-09-13T12:03:44Z

Yeah, so. A friend and I were surfing the internet for movie reviews and we came across this uber-Christian website. The reviews are hilarious - penalties are invoked for things such as leg and/or skin exposure, "dressing to maximize the female form" and other odd-sounding and somewhat old-fashioned sins.

...which sometimes go a little too far. For example:

"Neither should you use a rod to damage your "sheep." At times the shepherd of old saved the lives of his sheep with his rod -- in more ways than one."

There are so many wrong ways to take that, I think I'll just leave it up to your imaginations XD

That is BEYOND SQUICKY.

2008-09-10T14:37:12Z

WTF? Seriously, WTF??????

There are not enough question marks in the world for my appalled state of mind right now. I mean, Freaky Friday was one thing. It was, at the time, fairly original and entertaining. The movie was less so, but whatever.

Then there was Big, and 13 Going on 30, and numerous other variations I either don't know of or can't remember. As time went on, the idea sort of became stupider and stupider.

Now, there's Airhead.

No, I am not kidding. It's a slight variation, insofar as it's an actual brain transplant rather than just a body-switch, but...Oh my freaking GOD.

Stupidity, my friends, has reached new heights.

I really do have to stop reading Meg Cabot. She is just getting worse and worse as time goes on. I mean, I'm all for feminism - this much is fairly obvious to anyone who has been within a 50 mile radius when that horrible Burger King ad comes on TV - but, Ms. Cabot, UR DOIN IT RONG. It's not about hating the pretty, popular girls. It's not about being a tomboy, rejecting stereotypes, yadda yadda. Can we PLEASE get OVER this FUCKING STUPIDTY once and for all? Tomboy, computer-gaming braniac who despises all pretty girls and secretly envies them =/= feminist. Trust me on this one, OK? I used to think like that, but it was bullshit. It's not about rejecting what "society" wants by doing the opposite, because that also is in itself a stereotype. It's about seeing yourself as human, irrespective of gender, and acting in accordance with what makes you you. If that includes doing your hair and wearing jewelery, then that is OK. Granted, there are external pressures to be taken into account, but we need to stop drawing lines in the sand here. There is no right way or wrong way to be a woman. THAT is what being a feminist is all about. Well, that and trying to minimize the number of bimbos in skimpy outfits bouncing around on TV. Because seriously, who wants to watch that?*

In all honesty, I couldn't even finish Airhead. Hell, I barely started it. I got frustrated when they wouldn't tell her what was going on for, like, THREE CHAPTERS and skipped ahead to find out her brain had been transplanted into the stupid supermodel's body, and...yeah, I just sort of lost it.

Firstly, HAVE YOU ANY IDEA HOW MANY PHILOSOPHICAL PROBLEMS THERE ARE INVOLVED IN JUST THAT VERY CONCEPT????? And nobody, so far as I could tell, was even remotely interested in any of them. I mean, look:

1. WTF happened to Nikki's brain? Didn't she have one? Was it removed? Isn't that, like, MURDER?
2. How do we know that Em is really Em? What if she isn't? Depending on the process used, what if it's just her thought patterns that survived? Seriously, there are TOTALLY personal identity issues in there. And yet, nobody seems to care.
3. This is totally materialistic, and I kind of like that, but still -- it works better when actual brain-transferrence isn't involved, because...firstly, ew, and secondly, well, just...BRAIN TRANSPLANT? RLY?
4. No, honestly, WHY the supermodel? So that we can all learn The Important Lesson that supermodels have brains as well as breasts? Way to be subtle there, Aesop.
5. Is that even possible? No, wait. Even if it were possible....is that ethical? Legal, even? Is there any point if the person whose body survives is, essentially, dead after the process anyway? And...oh my GOD if someone ever did that to me I would so totally kill them. Assuming, you know, that I was the personality that survived.

OK, so maybe if I actually read the book I could find out the answer to some of those pressing questions, but whatever. It's not worth the brain cells it's costing me just thinking about the concept. Really. It just...squicks me. To the nth degree *shudders*

Secondly, please stop with the Anvils of Foreshadowing already. I admire the messages you're trying to convey, here, but d'you think you could, y'know, be a bit more SUBTLE about it?

And, finally, this is a minor point given the BRAIN FREAKING TRANSPLANT but why is it that all her characters fall in love with their (male) best friend? Or should that be their best (male) friend? Either way. The cliche is SO OVER. Done. Dead. Completely, utterly and irrevocably beaten into the ground. Please, let it rest in pieces.

*On pondering the statement further, I am left wondering how "there is no wrong way to be a woman" stacks up against my obvious dislike of wimpy, weak and overly feminine female MCs in novels and such - and my distate for the tomboy stereotype. I think it's not so much that I would hate these people in real life -- although I admit that weakness in others, male or female, has a tendency to bring out my nasty side rather than my compassionate side -- as that I see them as representations. Stereotypes. Clearly, in these cases the characters are underdeveloped: in those novels, TV shows, movies etc. that I like, female MCs are sometimes overly feminine, or overly tomboyesque, but they're sufficiently rounded to make them like Real Pople (er...People. It's 3am, give me a break here) and not just Representations. There's nothing wrong with being beautiful, with wearing make-up and bikinis and whatever. The issue arises when it is implied or conveyed that (a) this is the Right Way women Should Be; (b) this is the Only Way women Can Be if they Want Respect/Attention from Men; (c) beauty/popularity/insert-feminine-myth-here is emphasised over the individuality of the character to the point where they cease to be a person and are instead a Walking Billboard or Generalization.

Does that make sense?

Anyway, the basic point, I think, is that I do NOT expect crap like this in my realistic fiction. Science fiction, maybe. Fantasy, even. But not realistic fiction. I was expecting a nice, fluffy novel about a geek and a supermodel becoming friends. Possibly a makeover, a few dating tips, and a stupidly cliche romance.

I am not amused.

How do I dislike thee? Let me count the ways...

2008-08-31T12:05:43Z

OK, so, I've been on a Stargate SG-1 binge lately. I loved it when I was a kid and so I've been working my way through from the beginning, catching up on the eps I missed (which was, like, 90% since we didn't have a TV at the time). Most of them have been good, or great. Some were so-so.

One, I hated.

I mean, seriously. I really didn't enjoy it.

Guess why.

Look, I'm all for female warriors, OK? I like female warriors in my sci fi. Except for a few things that bug me.

Firstly, why is it they must always wear stupid, skimpy armour? Men get armour that covers them from top to toe. Women? A tiny little leather jerkin and skirt. If they're lucky. WTF is with that? I would not, personally, be comfortable riding into battle dressed like a freaking runway model.

Secondly, why is it they always wind up requiring the help of the men to make their decisions?

And finally, the sex jokes. They. Piss. Me. Off.

The basic plot is this: SG-1 is rescued by a group of female Jaffa, dressed, as previously noted, in stupid battle costumes. They are taken to their world (cue jokes about the Amazons and their supposed habit of abducting men to mate with them - I cringe and consider suicide, I'm so mortified to be watching this show) and asked for help and supplies. All well and good. Well, sort of. Then:

1. The women get pressured into testing an experimenetal drug which will reduce their dependence on symbiotes, so they wont have to kill Jaffa to live.

2. There's a whole lot of bull about the sacrifice of female children, which could have been interesting but was so totally downplayed it was mostly incidental.

3. Ms. Leader Amazon falls for Teal'c. Cue long speeches (I gag) and Teal'c reminiscing about his wife, who was as fierce as something or other and as gentle as something else, but was really neither, and I get the strong urge to stab him to death.

4. Teal'c eventually has to make Ms. Leader Amazon see that killing Jaffa is wrong, blah blah. I kind of skipped over that part. I was too busy making throttling motions and wondering whether it is acceptable to write fanfiction merely to torture a fictional character to death.

What mostly pissed me off, though, was the sex joke at the beginning, which was reiterated at the end. I don't know why. Possibly because it was made by my favourite character (Col. O'Neill, obv.) and it was just so...OOC. I mean, in canon, he has previously been established as very...sidelong about the idea of sex. That is, he prefers euphemisms, accidental double entendres and raised eyebrows to directness. He gets uncomfortable at the mention of sex/relationships. Seriously. And yet, now he's joking about if they want to abduct them to mate he's happy to help (yes, he more or less said that *cringes again*) and grumbling that they prefer to talk to Carter because she doesn't have a penis? I'm sorry, Christopher Judge, you may play a major character on the show but when it comes to writing for your fellow actors you fail. FAIL, I tell you! That is not, I repeat not, the Jack O'Neill I've been watching for the past six seasons, OK? NOBODY makes O'Neill into a sexist jackass and gets away with it *glares threateningly* Besides, I mean, way to make men seem like complete, sex-obsessed morons dude.

And while we're on the subject, I'm annoyed that there's so little of O'Neill in this season. And so little of Daniel too. Can I has some more plz? And, also? Why does every male character *ever* seem to fall for Samantha Carter, including (in fact, mostly) aliens? She's cool and all, but come ON. Please, have at least one who is immune. Please >.<

Overall Rating: 1/10.

News Flash: Flashdance Sucks

2008-04-18T10:21:17Z

Yeah, OK, so it's an old movie and I really shouldn't have expected much. God knows I found Dirty Dancing and its sequel to be rather trying. But even knowing it was produced before I was born (though not long before - I feel old now) I wasn't expecting it to be quite so...eurgh.

OK, so, firstly what bothered me was the dancing. It was not interesting. It was not graceful. It did not suck you in and make you want to move, the way good dance movies must. The few scenes involving ballet dancers (who did not include the MC, Alexandra) and ice skaters were a relief because they could actually move and were dancing/skating for beauty rather than - to put it frankly - sex. Seriously. We are introduced to Alex doing a dance that is, to all intents and purposes, a strip tease, which never bodes well. I'm not as prudish as I used to be, but there are limits to what I'm willing to watch, you know?

Anyway, secondly, well - there was just no...colour. I mean that literally as well as figuratively. They were all dressed in browns and greys and the movie was dull in that odd way that eighties films are, and it was...depressing *wrinkles her nose*

The other thing that had no colour was the relationship between the protagonists. It was entirely based on sex. Not that they went around having sex every other second; rather, He was attracted to Her on the basis of said strip-tease-dance, while She was horrible -- very pretty, with terrible hair but a lovely face, and acted all innocent, but at the same time everything She did was twisted to have a sexual motive. Even the way She ate her freaking lobster >.< It was actually a little disturbing. At the point where She had an ugly confrontation with His snarky ex-wife, took off her jacket and revealed that She was wearing very little underneath, then said smugly to the ex that she "fucked his brains out" on their first date...yeah, I had to turn it off.

I'm not quite sure why it unsettled me so much. I typically quite like strong female protagonists and don't especially mind when people throw their sexuality around - to an extent, anyway. But this one felt...well, embarrassing. She wasn't strong, she was demented. She threw a freaking rock through the guy's window when she thought he was seeing someone else, for crying out loud! She couldn't dance, he was ugly and a drip (seriously, NO personality whatever) and the storyline was tired and predictable without even some good music to give it some spark of life.

It was (of course) the sexism that really got to me, though. Alexandra seemed like a bright young thing and despite the whole inability-to-dance and strip-tease thing she seemed (at first) to have a handle on herself and where she was going in life. She didn't allow the stares and drool to affect her sense of personal integrity or her spirit, and she didn't take any nonsense (at least, that is what I think they intended to show with that scene where she poured beer down a heckler's pants...).

Then she met Him. He is such a non-entity that I can't even remember his freaking name, but He was her boss and He liked her dance. He followed her around after that like a love-sick puppy (excruciating in itself) and despite the token "I don't think I should date a co-worker, let alone my boss" resistance she allows herself to be romanced and blah blah blah. Her life and the lives of her fellow dancers/waitresses appear to revolve around men. One of them keeps complaining about a mysterious "he" never calling her back, and becomes all paranoid about it on a regular basis; another, Jeanie, is defined only by three things - her skating, her horrible father (who loves her "more than any thing else"), and her love for the cook/comedian whose name I also can't remember. Alexandra soon proved to have no spine except where men were concerned and...yeah. It was just ugh.

Save Me From SGA: Sanctuary

2008-03-24T10:56:47Z

I am living proof that education is not always a good thing. Why? Because for some reason, I cannot seem to stop psychoanalysing every book I read and every TV show I watch *headdesk* To give a perfect example (and because I want to rant about this anyway), let's take the episode of Stargate Atlantis I just finished watching...

OK, I'm new to SGA, having originally been a die-hard fan of SG-1, and I confess that I resisted the change for years. I was only recently coaxed into watching by a friend of my father's, who declared that if you haven't seen SGA then you haven't lived, et cetera. I've just finished the first season, which he has kindly lent me, and so far I've enjoyed myself. There have been few moments of truly cringe-worthy stuff, which is rare for any sci-fi IMHO. Yes, I find I have to cover my eyes sometimes at the language they use or the casting decisions, but on the whole, I have thus far avoided going for more than a second or two with my hands over my face. This was possibly because for the most part, they have avoided any suggestion of romance or personal entanglement, which for some reason seems to be inevitably ballsed up in a lot of TV these days (also IMHO).

Whatever the reason, sadly it was not to last.

The basic premise of Sanctuary [SPOILERS AHEAD] is that Sheppard & co. run afoul of the Wraith, as per usual, but are saved from almost-certain death by a mysterious energy weapon thing emanating from a nearby planet which destroys the enemy ships but leaves them unharmed. They go off to check it out, and run into an apparently primitive culture who seem to know nothing of either the Wraith or the supposed energy weapon on their planet. They are also very religious, and believe in a goddess Astar or Ashtar or something similar, and take Shep & co. to visit their High Priestess Chaya.

OK.

Except that High Priestess Whatsherface turns out to be drop dead gorgeous and dressed in a freaking white gown.

Holy freaking fuck. Excuse me while I run around in circles hollering madly and stabbing anything within reach.

Right, I'm done.

Look, I'm sorry. But can we please, for the sake of all that is good and reasonable in the universe, KILL THIS CLICHE AND BURY IT?

Every freaking priestess in the history of creation seems to wear a white freaking robe. WTF? I know white is the symbol of purity and all that, but that only makes it more annoying. Not only is it OVERDONE by now, but (a) there is no indication that this culture thinks that virginity/purity [either literal or metaphorical] is of value, (b) even if it is, WHY IS IT ALWAYS REPRESENTED BY WHITE?, (c) that is so fucking patriarchal and (d) we immediately know we're in for Divine Female Personality #103384.21 - perfect prissy princess at one with nature.

I have nothing against beautiful women. Just to make that clear. I don't even have anything much against alien/ancient priestesses, for all I find their religions artificial and their speech patterns pathetic and their roles traditionally stereotypical (OK, so maybe I don't really like them all that much). But the moment I saw her I knew we were in for trouble. The shot was slightly muted, but bright and soft; priestess was in a white robe, kneeling amidst flowers, and Shep fell for her at first sight. I almost expected fluffy bunnies and the halos of light *retches*

One thing I've noticed about Priestesses is that they tend to be one of two types: either they're angels of light and embody all that is innocent, or they're corrupt and evil and soulless and blahblah (although they will probably still fall for the hero). So when I saw the above shot I wanted to bash my head repeatedly against the wall. Even the attempt to give Chaya or whatever a "dark side" because of her "secret" and so on failed, because it was so obviously blatant from the beginning (but we'll get to that later). Can we get over this black-and-white crap already? Chaya could have been a very interesting character if someone had actually thought to give her a freaking PERSONALITY.

I have to give credit where it's due at this point and say that I think the writers did a pretty good job of keeping Shep in character throughout the episode. I did end up disliking him a bit by the end, as I felt the ep. made him seem slightly...how do I put this? Overbearing? But on reflection, I think he can be exonerated for 85% of this, because it basically came down to another thing I hate about this episode: inconsistency. Most specifically, inconsistency in female characters. I've noticed that we as a society have a habit of setting up women to be strong/intelligent/both and then undermining them by not allowing this strength to remain consistent even when they have emotions. I think that's what happened here.

Essentially, the writers were so eager to get Shep and Chaya together that they did something which was detrimental to both (not to mention to the plot). Chaya is an Ancient, and as such is uber-intelligent, uber-healthy, uber-powerful and, as has already been mentioned, quite beautiful and wearing a freaking white dress. Unfortunately, she apparently decides to hide her status and accompany Shep back to Atlantis in the guise of a helpless and stupid provincial priestess because she is "lonely," having been exiled from her people and forced to guard this planet for some 10000 years.

Yeeeeeeep.

And that's the crux of my problem right there. It's not so much that she gets lonely (anyone would after 10000 years, ascended being or no), or even that she falls for Shep (who could resist? XD) but the fact that she...well, the fact that the whole damn plot seems to be about getting them together. And not even done WELL. It's just like...they're trying to convince us she's some super-awesome Ancient who runs an entire freaking planet on her own, more or less, and who is not exactly ALONE because she has a whole society to take care of, although apparently she can’t get “close” to them because...um, I have no real clue. And she goes all woobie the minute she sees John ... I mean, WTF? I’m sorry, but the whole thing just pisses me off. Yes, I’m all for a little romance every now and then, but for Christ’s sake can’t we make it a little more SUBTLE and a little less blatantly sexist? And consistent characterisation would be nice. Chaya’s all over the place. One minute she’s a determined priestess, next minute she’s fainting, next minute she’s all like "stuff you, I’ll handle this," and then we’re back to wobbly lips and “I can’t help you, woe is me!”

To be frank, I just wanted the woman to get her shit together.

I was also struck by the inequality of the relationship. Despite her being over 10000 years old, despite her being uberly powerful, despite her having ascended to a higher plain of being, for Christ's sake, she presents as being this delicate, airy fairy thing that will blow away without Shep's manly strength. I kind of thought this was unfair to both of them. Shep came off as possessive (in particular, there's this scene where he holds out his arm to give her the guided tour, that somehow misses gallantry and slides into smugness -- not sure if that was the directing or the acting or what) and less self-possessed than I personally would have liked and expected based on past episodes, while Chaya seemed...oh god, she seemed like a freaking Stepford Wife. Ugh. Save us from stupid cheesy romance and picture-perfect priestesses please!

Uh, yeah. Moving on: what exactly was the POINT of this episode? I mean, it could have been done well, but the answer to the “mystery” was obvious and the reasons for her “deception” sappy and poorly explained. I knew Chaya was an Ancient about ten minutes in. I knew Shep had a crush on her five minutes in. I knew they'd end up together the second she came onscreen. Plot = boring to non-existent. Not to mention unnecessary. If she's so freaking powerful, why the hell doesn't she act like it? Why doesn't she just say, "look guys, I'm an ancient, but I can't help you 'cause I'm in exile for caring, so I gotta say bye now. I do get lonely though, so please drop by from time to time for a cuppa. Cheers!"

Oh right. Then there would be no story, and no cheesy romance.

Well, so much the better, IMHO.

To put it simply, Chaya is a freaking Mary Sue. She has speshul powers, falls for the hero, has a twagic past...no proper characterisation...angsts too much...overly perfect...Yeah. I think that’s what’s really bothering me here. I vote to delete her from the galaxy (and the Stargate Universe while we're at it) forthwith.

Overall Rating: 2.69 out of 10

Online Trading for Dummies 101: How Not To Handle Complaints

2008-03-08T01:19:21Z

Since Eragon ended up being too boring to bother with, I'm going to write about something that really gets my dander up: internet trading. I do a lot of this - or rather, I deal with a lot of the emails regarding this for my parents - and there are several things both buyers and sellers do that get up my nose. So I'm going to rant about them occasionally. And not just rant (because that would be whiny and have no constructive value). No, I'm also going to offer tips on how to avoid ~~pissing me off~~ several common mistakes, which is always a handy thing to know.

Today's lesson:

OK. Imagine you're the buyer and I'm the seller, and something goes wrong. There are hundreds of things that buyers can complain about - postage, packing, breakages, incorrect listings, wrong item, wrong century, delays, departures, denials, devastating stupidity - and I'm going to tell you (the buyer) how not to handle any of them in just two words: DON'T. WHINE.

There. Simple, isn't it?

Apparently not for most people.

If you have a problem, ~~please see a psychiatrist and don't come crying to me~~ please do the following before emailing me:

1. Scan your email and try to see it from my perspective. Do you recognize that I am human and treat me as such? Or do you tend to treat me like a machine undeserving of your respect or consideration? If the latter, then please fuck off. I don't care what your deal is, I don't want to hear from you.

2. Think about your wording. Have you used terms like "upset" and "urgent" and "problem" when the situation is anything but imminently life-threatening? If blood is currently spurting from some part of your body, I give you leave to use words like "urgent" and "upset". Otherwise, keep your histrionics to yourself. A $5 purchase is not worth angsting over. Oh, and speaking of angst, please take a moment to check if your email reads like an emo teen's suicide note. Does it lack any kind of rational thought? Is it whiny and immature? Yes? You can fuck off too.

3. Decide what you want to have happen. Do you want a refund? Do you need a replacement? Do you need a kick up the bum? Please tell me in no uncertain terms what you would like to happen. Beating around the bush only aggravates me and increases the possibility that you will receive a deliberately obtuse reply in return: "Oh, you'd like me to deal with the problem? Sure thing. I'll send you a letter bomb and then there will be no problem."

4. That said, there are ways to put your request(s) so that you don't make unfair presumptions about the seller. So the next rule is: NEVER ASSUME. Whether or not I give you a refund/replacement/kick up the bum is up to me. I OWN you. Deal with it. Emails stating "I will expect a refund in the next few days and then I will send back your item" do not go down well. Nor do emails stating "I know you're not going to do anything so I'm calling the cops". You are Schultz. You know nuffink. You keep your bleeding mouth shut until I says so, understand? ... er, got a little carried away there. But seriously. Do not presume to tell me how I am going to behave - ask me. It won't kill you.

5. Similarly, demands, threats and bullying have no place in your email and will not get you what you want. See that they are removed. In case you haven't noticed, dumbass, I have your money and you're not going to get it back if you are rude to me, because I'm a bitch like that. No, seriously - I will do [what I feel is] the right thing, but because it's the right thing to do not because you threaten "action", whatever that means. And yes, this includes those mild and seemingly innocent statements about "withholding feedback until the problem is resolved". I is not being dumb. I sees whut u do thar.

6. Come to think of it, don't mention feedback to me. At all. The system sucks, manipulation sucks, and asking for feedback sucks. Don't do it. Ever.

Once you've sent your email, BE EFFING PATIENT. I'm sorry if it takes me a while, but I could have been abducted by ninjas for all you know. Give me at least three days before you follow up, and then follow up POLITELY! Say "Hi there, I know you're probably busy but I was just wondering if you received my email on XX/XX/XX re: [your complaint]. I'd really like to get things sorted out, so if you could get back to me as soon as possible that would be great. Thanks!" Yes, kiddies, this is the sort of politeness that grown-ups use in the real world. It's called being rational. Emails such as "fuck u mofo ur gooin dwn. Gv me my monie or I will cut u" are not rational. They will be deleted and ignored.

If, by some remote chance, I have not responded to your email after a week, take Douglas Adams' advice and DON'T PANIC. People who go around assuming the worst ~~deserve whatever happens to them~~ need to unknot their knickers and grow up. Contrary to what you may feel, the world does not revolve around you. This means that (a) not everyone is dedicated to serving your every whim [bummer] and (b) not everyone is dedicated to circumventing your every whim either [yay?]. More likely, there's an issue somewhere. Your emails may not be getting through, or my responses might be being mangled by your junk mail filter. I could have been called away urgently on business, due to an emergency, may have been taken to hospital or institutionalized for mental collapse brought on by overexposure to stupidity and wilful ignorance. Or I could be avoiding you because you're a pain in the butt. As I said earlier: never assume. You just make an ass out of u and me.

In summation:

Get a clue. Even when dealing with a company, the person or people at the other end are human and that means mistakes happen. Treat people as people - politely, humanely, decently - and 90% will respond in kind. Of the remaining 10%, 5% are morons and 5% will go out of their way to treat you like a god/dess, because they're so grateful to finally meet someone who treats them right.

The 'net is a scary place, but a little good faith goes a long way.

Zut! Here endeth the lesson ;)

Beware sporkers bearing gifts...[Test]

2008-03-05T00:25:12Z

Hiya, I'm another first-timer here so I hope I'm doing this right o_o If I break any rules or what-not let me know and the error(s) will be attended to ASAP.

For some inexplicable reason, I decided to go trawling the Artemis Fowl section of FF.net this morning. This is what I found.

TITLE: How to tell him
AUTHOR: Bluesparks
SUMMARY: Holly has a secret...

Not only does the first "chapter" consist of merely a single paragraph (and a short one at that), it also contains this:

As she soaked in the water and bubbles, her hand unconsciously went to her stomach and felt the tiny bulge that meant things were a lot more complicated than what people thought. She, Holly Short, was pregnant. Not only pregnant and unmarried, but pregnant with a mud man’s child. Artemis Fowl’s child. How did this happen?

Actually, I'd rather not think about that, if you don't mind. Holly and Artemis =/= OTP.

In the second chapter, we find out via flashbacks that Artemis invited Holly over and confessed his...love...for...I'm sorry, I think my brain just shut down.

"I would much rather go out with someone who has red hair, a hazel eye, and is looking right at me.”

Aside from the obvious "WTF?" factor, why does Holly only have one eye?

“Artemis, you know that can’t happen. I’m an elf; you’re a mud man. We would break so many rules... ” At that point Artemis had but a single finger on her lips to silence her and kissed her. Holly was at first stunned, then returned his kiss. Their kisses became more and more passionate until…

Fortunately, the author chose to fade to black rather than give us any more details. But this line threatens to break my brain anyway:

“Now I have the how it happened, but how do I tell?” Mused Holly.

She has to find out what happened from her own flashback? Does anyone else think that Mused!Holly is just not firing on all thrusters here?

Artemis proposes. He has clearly lost his mind. Then Holly meets his parents, who are inexplicably obsessed with their son's love-life. Artemis calls Angeline "mom" (hai there, inexpertly disguised American author!), and starts every line of dialogue with "Mother, Father...". Angeline takes a "mental inventory" of Holly that makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time:

“She’s got brown skin. She’s got red hair. She’s short. She seems sweet enough, and SHE’S WEARING MY RING! Is this Arty’s mysterious girlfriend? Is she why he’s been so quiet and sullen? Does he really want to marry her, or is this a trick just to get my hopes up?”

I don't recall Angeline being QUITE that stupid in canon. Also, I don't think this author understands the concept of adult elves being 1M TALL OR LESS. That's more than just "short". Wouldn't Mr. and Mrs. Fowl at least comment on the fact that Holly looks like a child by human standards?

Oh yes, and did I mention that virtually every chapter is comprised of either one or several Block Paragraphs of DOOM?

“Hey Holly. You look too happy. What’s up?” “Hi Foaly. A girl can’t just be happy?” “No, it’s just that you look like when I asked Caballine to marry me.” “………Is that a bad thing?” “No, it’s just weird. You don’t have a boyfriend, do you?” “Maybe.” “Spill it. Now.” “No. My life, my secrets.” “Please?” “No. I won’t say anything unless I can have two weeks off.” “Fine. You got it, spill.” “Anything! Hahaha! I got you!” “Grrrr.”

Plus, she totally stole that line from Peeves.

And later, when Holly goes to get her wedding dress:

“Ok, here’s the drill. Down to your underwear.” “?!?!?!?!?!” “It’s for dress measurements.” “Fine.” “Wow, dear. How far along are you?” “I’m two months along.” “You look amazing! You’re barely showing.” “Thanks. I think my fiancé is watching, please check the door.” Artemis’s eyes widened, and he ran. “You were right. “How’d you know?” “I know my boyfriend.” Holly said with a sly smile. “Plus I heard him. He’s kinda noisy.”

No. Just no.

Aaand that's where it leaves off. Thank God.

This whole thing is made of DO NOT WANT *flails*

wombleomlette @ 2008-02-22T00:31:00

2008-02-21T11:34:10Z

Testing123 Testing 123TestTestTest123

wombleomlette @ 2008-02-22T00:31:00

2008-02-21T11:33:15Z

Testing123 Testing 123TestTest

wombleomlette @ 2008-02-22T00:31:00

2008-02-21T11:32:16Z

Testing123 Testing 123